Everything must come to an end...

If you don’t have a lot of time…you may want to revisit this as this might take up some time. A lot on my mind but I feel an end is due…

I recently told Tiffany that I didn’t feel as if I wanted to continue my blog. She suggested I owed readers one final post. As usual she is right so I wanted to sum up my experience in this final post. I was telling her that I just don’t feel as if I am the type of writer that can post the in and outs of our daily lives. She does so wonderfully on her blog but it’s just not my style. So in this final message, I wanted to capture a few final thoughts.

Life has changed dramatically but at the same time, it hasn’t changed at all. Our son has given us all we have wanted and strived for over the last few years and even though we are only six weeks into this, I can confidently say it has been well worth the wait. I often look at kids that are celebrating their second or third birthdays and wonder how like would be had things worked differently from the beginning but Liam has helped erase a lot of those thoughts and each time I hold him, it makes me appreciate the journey that much more.

I am sure like many expecting parents, I was unsure how I would be as a parent and there are still many remaining questions but there is one thing I know for sure…I am as prepared for this as I can be. I know it in one simple way…I didn’t ask for help.

Let me explain…I lost my father almost four years ago. He was my mentor, my confidant, and my idol. My trust in him grew as the year’s past and my appreciation for him seemed to hit new levels as year’s past. He was a man of great knowledge and experience and I only learned to draw from those great resources as I grew in age. I learned to appreciate his vast knowledge of life and always used him as my sounding board as I encountered many of life’s problems. Once he was no longer around to use as a sounding board, I found myself often searching for answers.

I will never forget the time I decided to put a pressure reducing valve on the main water line even thought I knew little about the process. I assumed my limited knowledge of pluming would be enough but just to be sure, just before I started the project, I closed my eyes and quietly said, “Dad, if you are around, it would be great if you could give me a hand with this to walk me through this.” I had installed the unit and thought I had done it as well as could be expected but as soon as I turned the line back on, sure enough I had a leak. For the life of me, I couldn’t find the source of the problem. I started to lose faith in his ability to still guide me. Without answers, I finally called a plumber who came to the rescue and showed me the quick and simple way to finish off the project. Once the plumber left the house, I stood in front of my aided work and realized, he will always be with me and this instance was no exception. He was one to always allow me to fall flat on my face…but he always ensured the fall only made me stronger. He always made it a learning experience for me and at that moment I realized the lesson he taught me, life will always present to you dilemmas, it’s the learning you gain from the experience that you will carry on forever.

Fast forward to the birth of Liam. It wasn’t like installing drywall or some of the various other experiments I had tried in the past and asked for his help. About three weeks into Liam’s arrival, I realized I hadn’t even thought to stop and ask Dad for his guidance and mentorship in the process. I knew that the wealth of knowledge that he shared with me over the years will be a foundation of which I will use to bestow upon Liam as the year’s past. His shinning example of parenting, unlike my pluming skills, is something I gained innately from him over the year’s and look forward to bestowing those experiences on to Liam as he grows in age.

I am so proud of everything Tiffany has sacrificed over the year’s to get us to where we are today. Marriage will surely change as Liam grows in age but I am confident that our past experiences and unwavering love will guide us through all of the challenges that await us. I am proud to be her husband and in summery, I am proud to a father. A title my father showed me is earned, not given, and I look forward to proving myself as the father that he was and I strive to be.

Appreciating every second

I am not sure that I have ever had a moment in my life that I have been so overcome with joy that I had been brought to tears. Ecstasy arrived at 9:18 AM on 10/28/09. After hours of labor, Tiffany gracefully delivered an 8 pound 7 ounce glowing baby boy, Liam Nash Collins. As the anticipation built through the morning, Tiffany held her composure and with one final push Liam arrived to this wonderful world. Instantly I saw that he was a boy and we both cried a tear of joy as the staff swiftly cleaned him and did their quick analysis. Time stood still as we held him in our arms and took in the moment.

I have never experienced such pride but the majority of that exhilaration is in the way in which Tiffany has naturally transformed into a caring and loving mother. I absolutely love holding him and touching his skin but I find even greater pride in seeing her with him as this is the moment that she has sacrificed so much to experience. She has earned this time and given all we have been through, I truly believe it allows us to have an even heightened level of appreciation to be where we are today.

I knew fatherhood would be a joyous experience but all of the books, advice and anticipation couldn’t have prepared me for the joy that is now in our lives forever.

Waiting has never been so rewarding

We are so close! We thought we were at the brink of finally meeting Mr. or Mrs. Bean last night but despite contractions that were about 5 minutes apart, our trip to the hospital was nothing more than another test run. Still 4 cm…still waiting…but that’s okay.

Aside from Tiffany feeling a little undo pressure to work magic, everything really is coming along as well as we could have ever wished. Work schedules, out of town visitors and many anxious people awaiting word of the big day has driven Tiffany to feel as if she is letting people down. How can it be anything short of a blessing that we have made it to this point? 38, 39, or 40, at this point I just feel so blessed to be in this position that I really don’t care how long Cocoa decides to wait it out.

I didn’t ever think it to be possible but I really think I am going to miss Tiffany being pregnant. If anything, the extended wait has given me an even greater appreciation for where we are today. A mere 9 months ago I really questioned whether I really wanted to travel this path but I can now say with confidence that I am ready to take this path again in the future should Tiffany decide she is ready. I know I am getting way ahead of myself but the simple fact that I have found such comfort in this process isn’t something I was sure I would ever find in myself.

Cocoa will present his or her self in due time and while I dream of his or her touch for the first time, the delay is well worth the wait.

The unexpected gift

Tuesday was a wild ride. Not 10 minutes after I finished my previous post, I shut down the computer, headed upstairs and readied for bed. Tiff was very uncomfortable, so much so that she decided it best to call our doctor to describe her discomfort. He decided it was pains due to the pressure caused by the stitch so he said he'd be in on Tuesday and wanted her to come in a day early to have it removed. Here we go...we thought.

The procedure went as well as could be expected. It was tremendous pain for Tiffany having the actual procedure but as I have came to expect with her, she handled it with grace and determination. They immediately checked her cervix and she was already dilated at 2.5 cm. It was all about to happen! About an hour later she had gone to 4 cm and they told us to get ready, we were having this baby. The parents rushed over and the waiting began. Then something funny happened, she just stopped progressing. Nothing wrong, just the baby was not thinking that a Tuesday arrival was appropriate at this time. So we were sent home to wait it out.

At first, there was a bit of deflation but after I really thought about it, we had been given a special gift. While 50% would deliver soon after the procedure, she was one of the luck ones. One that was able to now head home and treat this arrival as a 'traditional' pregnancy. We now had the unique experience of being able to actually find joy and celebration in her water breaking or increased contractions. We actually could breathe easy as those very actions where now a reason to celebrate, not to find panic in. So here we sit some 60 hours later and we are taking it all in stride. The worries behind us, the anticipation around us, and the reason to celebrate just beyond our horizon that we have so desperately longed for.

Hours, days, or weeks...we have been given a great and unexpected gift. One of anxiousness and joy all rolled into every last contraction. The very reason for all of our pain is now in our grasp and we finally can sit back and take it all in.

Ready for the great unknown

I feel like I have lived in two parallel universes the past 36 weeks. One that moves as it always does…not enough time in the day, too many tasks to accomplish for one person. The other has moved as if we were in slow motion. We marked off each day and the weeks couldn't come fast enough. But we are here. By all estimates, we have a healthy baby ready to turn parallel universes upside down but what's next?

We know we are ready but we also realize that we have no idea what we are ready for. We have done as much preparation as possible but we expect that we likely have forgotten or not even thought of endless tasks that will be needed to assist us along the way.

I really sit here this evening not really knowing what to think. I haven't spent too much time anticipating the next few weeks. As a man of consideration, I realize that this is the one time that I can't completely prepare for this great unknown. Boy or girl...names...how do I act during delivery...what can I do to help over the next few weeks? I really have not processed any of those thoughts at this point as I think I am ready to just soak in the entire experience and will let the winds move our vessel as only the winds see fit.

We will keep our eyes looking forward while always holding our past close to our hearts. Nothing could have prepared us for the horrible experiences we have had in the past but life is about to reward us with a high we can’t fully appreciate…that is until Wednesday when the pain of yesterday will help deliver our joy of tomorrow.