Everything must come to an end...

If you don’t have a lot of time…you may want to revisit this as this might take up some time. A lot on my mind but I feel an end is due…

I recently told Tiffany that I didn’t feel as if I wanted to continue my blog. She suggested I owed readers one final post. As usual she is right so I wanted to sum up my experience in this final post. I was telling her that I just don’t feel as if I am the type of writer that can post the in and outs of our daily lives. She does so wonderfully on her blog but it’s just not my style. So in this final message, I wanted to capture a few final thoughts.

Life has changed dramatically but at the same time, it hasn’t changed at all. Our son has given us all we have wanted and strived for over the last few years and even though we are only six weeks into this, I can confidently say it has been well worth the wait. I often look at kids that are celebrating their second or third birthdays and wonder how like would be had things worked differently from the beginning but Liam has helped erase a lot of those thoughts and each time I hold him, it makes me appreciate the journey that much more.

I am sure like many expecting parents, I was unsure how I would be as a parent and there are still many remaining questions but there is one thing I know for sure…I am as prepared for this as I can be. I know it in one simple way…I didn’t ask for help.

Let me explain…I lost my father almost four years ago. He was my mentor, my confidant, and my idol. My trust in him grew as the year’s past and my appreciation for him seemed to hit new levels as year’s past. He was a man of great knowledge and experience and I only learned to draw from those great resources as I grew in age. I learned to appreciate his vast knowledge of life and always used him as my sounding board as I encountered many of life’s problems. Once he was no longer around to use as a sounding board, I found myself often searching for answers.

I will never forget the time I decided to put a pressure reducing valve on the main water line even thought I knew little about the process. I assumed my limited knowledge of pluming would be enough but just to be sure, just before I started the project, I closed my eyes and quietly said, “Dad, if you are around, it would be great if you could give me a hand with this to walk me through this.” I had installed the unit and thought I had done it as well as could be expected but as soon as I turned the line back on, sure enough I had a leak. For the life of me, I couldn’t find the source of the problem. I started to lose faith in his ability to still guide me. Without answers, I finally called a plumber who came to the rescue and showed me the quick and simple way to finish off the project. Once the plumber left the house, I stood in front of my aided work and realized, he will always be with me and this instance was no exception. He was one to always allow me to fall flat on my face…but he always ensured the fall only made me stronger. He always made it a learning experience for me and at that moment I realized the lesson he taught me, life will always present to you dilemmas, it’s the learning you gain from the experience that you will carry on forever.

Fast forward to the birth of Liam. It wasn’t like installing drywall or some of the various other experiments I had tried in the past and asked for his help. About three weeks into Liam’s arrival, I realized I hadn’t even thought to stop and ask Dad for his guidance and mentorship in the process. I knew that the wealth of knowledge that he shared with me over the years will be a foundation of which I will use to bestow upon Liam as the year’s past. His shinning example of parenting, unlike my pluming skills, is something I gained innately from him over the year’s and look forward to bestowing those experiences on to Liam as he grows in age.

I am so proud of everything Tiffany has sacrificed over the year’s to get us to where we are today. Marriage will surely change as Liam grows in age but I am confident that our past experiences and unwavering love will guide us through all of the challenges that await us. I am proud to be her husband and in summery, I am proud to a father. A title my father showed me is earned, not given, and I look forward to proving myself as the father that he was and I strive to be.

Appreciating every second

I am not sure that I have ever had a moment in my life that I have been so overcome with joy that I had been brought to tears. Ecstasy arrived at 9:18 AM on 10/28/09. After hours of labor, Tiffany gracefully delivered an 8 pound 7 ounce glowing baby boy, Liam Nash Collins. As the anticipation built through the morning, Tiffany held her composure and with one final push Liam arrived to this wonderful world. Instantly I saw that he was a boy and we both cried a tear of joy as the staff swiftly cleaned him and did their quick analysis. Time stood still as we held him in our arms and took in the moment.

I have never experienced such pride but the majority of that exhilaration is in the way in which Tiffany has naturally transformed into a caring and loving mother. I absolutely love holding him and touching his skin but I find even greater pride in seeing her with him as this is the moment that she has sacrificed so much to experience. She has earned this time and given all we have been through, I truly believe it allows us to have an even heightened level of appreciation to be where we are today.

I knew fatherhood would be a joyous experience but all of the books, advice and anticipation couldn’t have prepared me for the joy that is now in our lives forever.

Waiting has never been so rewarding

We are so close! We thought we were at the brink of finally meeting Mr. or Mrs. Bean last night but despite contractions that were about 5 minutes apart, our trip to the hospital was nothing more than another test run. Still 4 cm…still waiting…but that’s okay.

Aside from Tiffany feeling a little undo pressure to work magic, everything really is coming along as well as we could have ever wished. Work schedules, out of town visitors and many anxious people awaiting word of the big day has driven Tiffany to feel as if she is letting people down. How can it be anything short of a blessing that we have made it to this point? 38, 39, or 40, at this point I just feel so blessed to be in this position that I really don’t care how long Cocoa decides to wait it out.

I didn’t ever think it to be possible but I really think I am going to miss Tiffany being pregnant. If anything, the extended wait has given me an even greater appreciation for where we are today. A mere 9 months ago I really questioned whether I really wanted to travel this path but I can now say with confidence that I am ready to take this path again in the future should Tiffany decide she is ready. I know I am getting way ahead of myself but the simple fact that I have found such comfort in this process isn’t something I was sure I would ever find in myself.

Cocoa will present his or her self in due time and while I dream of his or her touch for the first time, the delay is well worth the wait.

The unexpected gift

Tuesday was a wild ride. Not 10 minutes after I finished my previous post, I shut down the computer, headed upstairs and readied for bed. Tiff was very uncomfortable, so much so that she decided it best to call our doctor to describe her discomfort. He decided it was pains due to the pressure caused by the stitch so he said he'd be in on Tuesday and wanted her to come in a day early to have it removed. Here we go...we thought.

The procedure went as well as could be expected. It was tremendous pain for Tiffany having the actual procedure but as I have came to expect with her, she handled it with grace and determination. They immediately checked her cervix and she was already dilated at 2.5 cm. It was all about to happen! About an hour later she had gone to 4 cm and they told us to get ready, we were having this baby. The parents rushed over and the waiting began. Then something funny happened, she just stopped progressing. Nothing wrong, just the baby was not thinking that a Tuesday arrival was appropriate at this time. So we were sent home to wait it out.

At first, there was a bit of deflation but after I really thought about it, we had been given a special gift. While 50% would deliver soon after the procedure, she was one of the luck ones. One that was able to now head home and treat this arrival as a 'traditional' pregnancy. We now had the unique experience of being able to actually find joy and celebration in her water breaking or increased contractions. We actually could breathe easy as those very actions where now a reason to celebrate, not to find panic in. So here we sit some 60 hours later and we are taking it all in stride. The worries behind us, the anticipation around us, and the reason to celebrate just beyond our horizon that we have so desperately longed for.

Hours, days, or weeks...we have been given a great and unexpected gift. One of anxiousness and joy all rolled into every last contraction. The very reason for all of our pain is now in our grasp and we finally can sit back and take it all in.

Ready for the great unknown

I feel like I have lived in two parallel universes the past 36 weeks. One that moves as it always does…not enough time in the day, too many tasks to accomplish for one person. The other has moved as if we were in slow motion. We marked off each day and the weeks couldn't come fast enough. But we are here. By all estimates, we have a healthy baby ready to turn parallel universes upside down but what's next?

We know we are ready but we also realize that we have no idea what we are ready for. We have done as much preparation as possible but we expect that we likely have forgotten or not even thought of endless tasks that will be needed to assist us along the way.

I really sit here this evening not really knowing what to think. I haven't spent too much time anticipating the next few weeks. As a man of consideration, I realize that this is the one time that I can't completely prepare for this great unknown. Boy or girl...names...how do I act during delivery...what can I do to help over the next few weeks? I really have not processed any of those thoughts at this point as I think I am ready to just soak in the entire experience and will let the winds move our vessel as only the winds see fit.

We will keep our eyes looking forward while always holding our past close to our hearts. Nothing could have prepared us for the horrible experiences we have had in the past but life is about to reward us with a high we can’t fully appreciate…that is until Wednesday when the pain of yesterday will help deliver our joy of tomorrow.

Friends help make the world turn...

What a wonderful weekend! Tiffany finally received the weekend she has long deserved and we have our wonderful friends and family to thank. We are now in week 34, everything has been cruising along as scheduled, and Tiffany was able to celebrate our achievement with some wonderful people.

I should start with Nicole and Jessica. One an old friend, one new. Both instrumental in helping Tiffany get to where she is today.

Nicole and Tiffany have been friends since their childhood. Growing up down the road from one another and Nicole’s presence is what lead us to look to move to our wonderful home a few years back. She has been nothing short of exceptional in her dedication and support of Tiffany over the last few years. Whether a simple night out with the girls or if a concert out of town was needed, she has continually been there for Tiffany to help her stay grounded. Her encouragement has been unwavering and always comes right when it’s needed the most.

Jessica, Jon, Tyler, and of course Duncan have been instrumental in us feeling comfortable with where we are today. Jessica and Tiffany are so alike in their passion for their jobs and their ability to use their personal talents to help lift spirits. Tiffany and Jessica are so similar in their enjoyments and talents which has made their friendship a natural fit. Right when Tiffany was in a deep funk, Jessica would unexpectedly produce an act of kindness that would revive Tiffany’s spirit and rekindle her spirit.

For both Jessica and Nicole, this weekend was as much about us as it was about the special people that they are and how instrumental they have been in where we are today. We are eternally grateful for them both and as expected they pulled off a weekend Tiffany will never forget.

Yesterday, the arrivals began and about 15 girls went out for a wonderful celebration to include a spa and dinner at Tiffany’s favorite place. They ended with a nightcap at a hotel down the road and finished everything off today with a brunch at our place complete with Tiffany’s favorite cupcake (monstrous cupcake I might add) and pictures with the entire crew.

It was a special weekend because many of our friends that have been there for us over the last few years were able to join us in our celebration. Gifts are always nice but their presence was the real contribution to Tiffany and the entire weekend. So to all of you that were able to make it thank you for your support and we wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for each and every one of you.

So much to do

I know, I know, I have been a terrible blogger as of late. But I really do have a good excuse…Cocoa’s arrival is near.

My mentality has completely shifted from getting through each week to ‘game time’. About 5 weeks back I knew everything was behind us. We could finally put our worries behind us and we could finally focus on becoming parents.

Tiff had a ‘moment’ as I would call it a few Friday’s back. She had an abnormally active contraction period for about an hour and her doctor sent her to the hospital for observation. She was slightly elevated when it came to nerves but to be honest, I was and am ready for this whenever the time might come. We have prepared for this now for almost 4 years now and we are undoubtedly ready to face this next chapter in our relationship…parenthood.

I have spent much less time on the road and significantly more time on all things baby. We have completely transformed three rooms of our house and my every last minute of each day has been spent on that preparation. I have taken a lot of pride in what we have done in such short time and Tiffany has been nothing short of wonderful. She has done a great job of mixing in preparation with relaxation. She has really done a wonderful job of knowing when to back off errands and when to take a load off. I am so proud of how she has handled everything.

She has certainly produced as a wife as well. These last few years could have easily changed her as a person and as a wife but she has amazingly come out of this a stronger wife. While she has certainly done her part in coordinating through this 7.5 month period, she has completely fulfilled her responsibilities as a spouse.

I have been working diligently to achieve my goal of running a 2 hour 20 minute half marathon and with her unwavering support, she helped me realize my goal last weekend. Many times she could have had issues with me spending 4 hours on virtually every Sunday going to the park for training but her support was paramount in me realizing my goal. It was a great feeling running that last quarter mile but it was unexplainable to see her joy as she sat about 200 yards from the finish line with a glow to her that made all of those miles worth every last step. The pride I saw in her eye paled in comparison to the gratification I have for the purpose and resiliency she has shown in this journey that will be bringing us Cocoa in about 3 short weeks.

What am I doing writing on this blog…rooms to touch up, a 2 hour 10 minute mile, and the greatest joy I will ever experience is in front of me. Back to work!

Bringing the picture to life

30 weeks...I thought you would never get here. Growth measurements were today and Cocoa is progressing nicely. It sure felt like we were in the 20's all spring and summer. I would guess it was because we knew we needed to get out of that time frame to make it to safer land. Now that we are here, let me tell you, it feels wonderful.

Tiffany looks fantastic and I really feel great for her because she is finally able to experience everything to the fullest. Our thoughtful neighbors took her out for a mini-shower this past weekend. It is something I am grateful she finally got to experience. I have always felt terrible that she wasn't ever able to do what she does best, paint the full picture.

Tiffany is fantastic at really seeing a project through. Her unwavering demeanor is one of her finest traits. She is able to ride out storms and sees the big picture behind all of the mess. She is why we are able to navigate through much of life like we do as a couple. She sees something in the cities we consider moving to, the houses we consider buying and the life we plan on living. She is able to tactfully and artistically paint a picture in her mind and has the drive to bring plan to life.

This is why our losses have been so hard for me to handle. It is because I know she sees the nursery and the many other things to plan for in a child's life. She has had to hold those thoughts inside of her over the last 3 years while navigating these bumpy waters. 30 weeks is finally where she can fully begin to construct those plans again. I am so happy for her and I am confident she is going to be the mother I always knew she would be. It's been a long journey and she deserves every last minute of the happiness that we are about to experience.

In a great place

28 weeks! It sure feels like we have been in the 20's forever but it also feels great to be here. I no longer worry about 'the call' that something bad is coming. I now realize that 28+ weeks can have many challenges if there is an early birth but our percentages for having a happy, healthy child is increasing daily.

Tiff is really handling this very well. She still has stubborn moments where she won't pick up the phone if something different is happening but overall her demeanor and spirits are wonderful. We (I) are simply more prone to have anxiety if there is something happening such as pressure on her back or strong contractions but overall her symptoms are ordinary occurrences in pregnancy for most that we are simply feeling our way though with a heightened sense of anxiety versus a traditional pregnancy.

Weeks like this are bittersweet for me, to say the least. I was in San Fran early in the week and now find myself in beautiful Jackson Hole, WY. I'll be here with work through Saturday but I can honestly say it just doesn't feel right not to have Tiffany here with me to experience it all. I really feel terrible calling her and talking about everything but I just can't contain my excitement for the area. She is my confident and best friend so I want so badly for her to feel my excitement. I went on a beautiful 4 mile trail run tonight and I'm pretty sure I heard a Bull Moose proclaiming his dominance of the area. I ran by pulled carriages that were deep in the national park on an excursion and they were playing music by a campfire. Dinner was marvelous as I had a game dish that you simply can't find in many other places. The town is inspiring and the area is humbling.

Not being her with me is one more sacrifice that Tiffany had made in our journey that I feel eternally grateful for. She would love this place as much or more than I and I really don't know how I am able to repay her for all of the sacrifices she has made over the last three years to get us to this point. My job has been easy. Her job has been nothing short of heroic.

I've never been so happy to see summer coming to an end

You can almost feel the change in the air. The bikes are not flying around the neighborhood as often, the humidity is slowly easing, and the binders and note pads are now on full display at retail. Summer is slowing and in our house, that means good things. Nearing 27 weeks and the changes outside are being felt fully inside. Carpet, furniture, and new paint are coming to the house in the next several weeks as we have transitioned from maybe to buckle up, here we go.

Tiff is in that funny stage...one that we have not seen before. Picking up that paper off the floor has become an awkward balancing act. Her regular shirts now ride up in a very cute way on her belly and most importantly she is feeling great. I'm doing everything can do to make this a smooth ride here on out.

I've been ready for this mentally for some time but wasn't sure we'd ever get here. Honestly, I was resigned to the fact that we'd forever be 'that couple who couldn't have kids'. As if that is some strange disease. I was ready to face that music and had prepared myself for that next step in our lives. But with the great care from our doctor and his team, this dream is about to come reality. I am so proud of Tiffany for her determination. She has fought through so much to get here and I was simply a bystander on much of the ride. She's been determined and has earned every second of the happiness we are about to be blessed with.

A determined partner

For those of you that have done national meetings, you'll appreciate what I am about to say. I AM READY TO BE HOME! My second national meeting in 8 weeks, zero cell coverage at a 'conference center', and the west coast time change have made these 15 hour days seem like a marathon. More importantly, I am just ready to be with Tiff. She's feeling okay this week but it breaks my heart to know she is having difficulty sleeping due to back pain. What could I do even if I were there? Nothing obviously but I would feel much better if I knew I could wake up and make her breakfast in the morning after a sleepless night.

After our uncertainties a few weeks back, my return has even more anticipation on my end. I just feel like I need to see her more often now but ultimately I knew what I signed up for when I took this job and 150 nights on the road for the year is simply something we accepted as step in our career path, like it or not. I just feel fortunate that we've developed such great friends. Tiff knows she can call anyone at anytime and have someone there in minutes to help her if needed. That makes it a little more endurable in weeks like this.

Ultimately, I really don't know how or why I ended up with Tiff but I am just perpetually grateful. I truly found my life partner and find the most condolence knowing that I am with a strong, capable partner that sees the big picture and is a true warrior. I am grateful for all of her sacrifices and will be indebted to her for the rest of my life for all she has gone through. I recently told someone that the West 'T' attitude may not be very fun in arguments but has been an attribute that has given her the essential strength and determination in time like these.

Feeling it all around you

So I have not posted for a little while. As I have done a couple posts before, I wrote elaborate explanations of my frustration and anxiousness but a better part came over me and cancelled the post before I published. Simply said, it was a difficult week last week. We had our bi-weekly appointment and found Tiffany's cervix had changed from about 37 mm to 30 mm. You could feel the ultrasound technician’s anxiousness as she saw the readings and it was downhill from there. I felt like the room as a vacuum of our emotions. How could we change so much after we thought we were in the clear? Tiffany broke down in tears in the elevator and I spent the next 6 days and nights in earthly purgatory while on the road, away from my bride as we awaited today's appointment.

They wanted to see us again this week so we knew that was not great news. Reason enough for concern that they would require an extra visit. I was somehow able to maintain a reasonable about of tranquility but deep down I was ready for the worst. If I don’t remain steadfast, how can Tiff? But the news came...

We are back up to 35 mm and the doctor is skeptical of the results last week but has reason to feel a great exhale, so do we. Modified activity, even from a 'non-activity' pregnancy is the prescription for the time being. Meaning essentially that Tiff needs to take it extra easy and he be prescribed days at home for her work. He wants to see us weekly for a while to see if it is a trend or an anomaly but overall an enormous burden has been lifted from our shoulders. I feel so much relief, I cannot even begin to articulate my emotions.

After all of that before 10AM...I have to say it has been a bizarre day. I was traveling to our national meeting today and got behind a 6'7", 300 lb Missouri football player in security going to his first NFL mini-camp. As a big football fan, I was in awe to say the least. Then I proceeded to my plane only to run into Bret Michaels who was sitting two rows in front of me on the plane. I proceeded to fly to my destination only to see someone I think the world of have a tribute on their behalf in our meeting in front of the entire sales organization and I just happened to be sitting next to him for the presentation. A PowerPoint with his favorite band playing in the background, former and current leaders had quotes about his time with the company while pictures showed his dedication towards our wonderful company. It cumulated with a standing ovation only to have a spotlight hit his family that had been flown in just for the dedication, without his knowledge, just for him. He and his wife cried together as we cheered and we toasted his commitment to our company.

Talk about a day full of emotions. I am drained and can only sit back and think...I am so lucky to have my wife, my job, and my life. I only hope I can give my child the joy and appreciation that I had today when they finally make their way into this world. If we can only get 8 more weeks….

What's your love language?

The part in which I thrive the most in with this pregnancy is being needed and productive. I find contentment in the opportunity to go above and beyond for Tiffany and I do my best to make this process as bearable as possible. It's difficult for me to not share the burden of back pain, digestion problems, or ever changing pants sizes. Just like in our miscarriages, I am left wishing I could do more. Simple late night trips to the grocery store or picking up the kitchen helps me feel like I am actually nurturing in some minor way.

We had joined our friends Nikki and AJ for lunch several years back and they talked about reading a book call "The Five Languages of Love". I remember them speaking of one another's key to feeling loved and how they knew how to best meet the other's needs. We were both very compelled and bought the book for ourselves. I highly recommend it!

In essence, you have a 'love tank' that needs to be filled. It can be through Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch. Each a little more complex than what you may imagine. Physical Touch for example isn't what you may initially think. Not gettin' your grove on, rather it may just be placing your hand on their knee when they drive or simply holding their hand at the park. He speaks to each language in great detail and gives you words of wisdom on how to best deliver on your partner’s need.

It's harder than you think to identify your partner’s language but once you start reading each section, it will come to you. Tiffany’s is Quality Time. The best thing I can do is stop what I am doing, offer her a walk around the block or simply sit down on the back porch and just talk. If I give her 1o minutes, I have a happy wife. Let me tell you, it has helped in many ways, particularly when she is in a funk. Knowing when to fill that love tank has helped us grow as a couple more than I would have imagined.
Personally, I am Words of Affirmation to circle back to my original thought. I feel whole as a partner when I can feel needed. In so many ways, pregnancy is one huge tank filler for me. So much to do, so little time but throughout I feel loved and needed in my simple acts.

Knowing your partners language is nice to help keep things moving on a daily basis but has been undeniably bonding in the difficult times. The only down side is that she now knows that she can ask me to poop scoop the back yard knowing in some weird way, that poop shovel makes me feel loved.

Life, not sex, is what's exciting about it all

We had an uneventful appointment today in our biweekly ultrasound and doctor's visit. That's the best kind! Cocoa is 1 lb 4.9 oz. and was sleeping through most of the photo session. All organs, bones, and other important things are right on schedule, all measuring at 22 or 23 weeks.

Cocoa is also officially on record for sex. They obviously need to document it for ultrasound purposes to check those 'special' places. Our doctors, nurse practitioner, and head nurse will not know the sex until we do but it sure has been a source of discussion with many people.

Selfishly, it will be one of my proudest moments to walk into the waiting room and announce, "IT’S A…!" I'm thankful that Tiffany also finds it as an extra source of energy through the 9 months. We'll know soon enough and we'll just be thankful and enthusiastic for our new gift regardless of gender.

But you know the saying, right? If you have a boy, you have to worry about one penis. If you have a girl, you have to worry about every penis in town. Who needs another 5 months to worry about all of those penises around town?

Our first entry into our personal Cliff Notes

Thanks Veronica! John and Veronica are our friends from NC. Here are her recommendations to our personal Cliff Notes mentioned in my last blog. I thought everyone would enjoy her thoughts...

Nope, no cliff notes. that dude made millions off of these things and didnt go here, very very smart! Here are some from John and I......

cry---they cry, but i promise it is the best sound you will ever have heard. by the time you are tired of the crying, you will wake up one morning, notice how much less they are doing so, and miss it. we are a strange breed us parents.

poop----it stinks, its gross, rarely stays in the diaper either so buy the good ones, dont skimp on those, but again, they might as well poop roses bc it will not bother you either. until a "mistake" happens all over your beautiful wifes new outfit the first time she gets to go out after the arrival, good luck with that one. I missed Johns Xmas party with Bella, she was like 6 days old, getting there was NOT an option!

vomit is more of a projectile with these little ones, you should wear one of their bibs if you remember, and goggles too :0). they are all different, but for Bells I would have to change her and myself and anything within 12 feet of her, from head to toe sometimes! For Tiffany, pony tails will be a must if Baby Collins bares the same wicked skill. i sware they should consider this an olympic event!

sleep--- well forget that, it is non exsistent, so sleep NOW. it should be the first thing on your to do list every day! when the baby is here, the good old advice of sleep when they sleep, take it! trust me, easier said than done, the first weeks when they sleep, all you do is watch him/her sleep and make sure they are ok, and then down the line, sure the bed will call your name when the baby naps, and so will the evil dishes, facebook, email, endless piles of laundry, stack of bills etc.....(remember that poop and vomit, get extra detergent!)

in one word ------- just LOVE, you have plenty, and it makes it all work.

ENJOY it, even the poop! lol

you will be GREAT! BOTH of ya!

Congrats on checking the weeks off. Glad you are breathing easier. I am loving that you are blogging. I think the world of you two as a couple and love to read the male perspective of your journey.

Now get to work on that list ;)!

Where's my checklist?

So it is no longer Cocoa Bean. It is unofficially Cocoa Kicker. We have cleared yet another hurdle as we approach 22 weeks and the clinical definition of cervical incompetence is about to pass. We are officially in the panic mode of preparation for arrival. Cocoa is very active and while our third child, my first experience to actually touch my wife's belly and to feel that kick that we've needed to feel for too long.

Previously, we spent 20 weeks getting ready for everything psychologically. How will schedules change, what will we do with the rooms in our house, what will be our next phase in our lives as our Cocoa enters the world. It all came crashing down two times before so now that we have passed that big stage, we now are on fast forward. We can no longer and sit back and hold our collective breath as we have done for the last five months, we now need to cram 40 weeks of preparation into four short months.

I still think a lot out our two boys. I also reflect on many people that have shared similar voyages. How do our friends in Florida feel as they are about 16 months behind us in our journey? Are they holding strong despite their upbeat outward disposition? What about my great childhood friend that was on the verge of twins only to face a loss two times over? How do they cope with two already running wild and their next attempt on the way? I find condolence in knowing many have done it before us and many more are well on their way of also realizing their dream.

While we may not have all of the appropriate equipment prepared...poop stations, barf cleanup kits, and all of the other unexpected things that I am sure we will soon need, I am confident that we are prepared. We have been ready for this for almost three years now so our extended impediment will only make us more capable, prepared, and understanding as people and more importantly as parents.


That being said, is there a Cliff Notes for what to do when Cocoa actually gets here pertaining to the formerly referenced poop, vomit, and crying?

Sharing our excitement

One thing we never wanted to forget in our losses is that others have experienced pain and loss along with us. Many people either avoid the topic because frankly it is uncomfortable or they are more self consumed and simply don't think about our journey. Either way, don't most of us do that with many things anyway?

But then comes our parents. It is sometimes difficult for me to gauge the pain they have felt. I know it is there. Is it more pain because they see their children reeling or is it pain because they too have been deprived of one of life’s greatest exercises - being grandparents? I would assume it is a little of both but in an attempt to involve them in the process, we are taking a little different approach with Cocoa Bean.

As my previous posts indicate, I feel marriages are sacred on many levels. For that reason, we tend to keep many things to ourselves. But we have felt this pregnancy to be more important to engage our parents. While we have made the life choice to live far from them, we have already made things a little more difficult on them so the least we can do is give them experiences that they wouldn't alternatively have. One is joining us in our journey, albeit in a simple way.

We had my mother come to town this week to experience our ultrasound. What a great experience it was. With this being about our 6th or so, the glee has somewhat faded when we see that little one come up on the screen but you could feel the anticipation and exhilaration gleaming from my mom. Not that I don't still feel pride and joy in seeing the ultrasound but that feeling up my spine isn't the same each time I see Cocoa ticked off that some lady is pushing on their sack of serenity. However, I could completely feel my mom's wonder pouring throughout the room. She deserves that feeling and why not give it to her now instead of waiting until October when Cocoa makes his/her grand appearance. It gives her the ability to connect on another level with everything which is both deserved and long overdue.

We look forward to giving that same feeling and experience to Tiffany's parents in the coming weeks. There's nothing else like it and I can't wait for them to feel that same overwhelming excitement that we only wish they could have had long before.

There are some perks to the journey

As I attempt to write this 9 fingered (try it, harder than you would think) I think I finally need to say something upbeat. When Tiff and I talked about this originally, we talked about chronicling thoughts and feelings regardless of the delivery. I thought I would be able to mix in some minor humor along the way but as I got about 14 weeks into this I realized there's just not much fun to trying to see a pregnancy like this through.

It's difficult to keep your sprits up, plain and simple. No way to sugar coat it. I give my normal demeanor on the exterior but on the inside, I still hold back the feels to guard against the worst. It's only natural but my ultimate intention is to give you my inner thoughts not my outside view that others see. So sorry for Debbie Downer so often.

Okay, on to the bright side. Family members, you may want to look away for this part. But here it goes. My wife’s boobs are AWESOME. Even in some of the trepidation, I still relish in those fun moments like seeing that dress pop from her beautiful figure. While painful, itchy, and constantly soar for her, they bring me great visual pleasure. What can else can I say?

Back to the nine fingers...talk about being all over the place. I have this nasty growth thing that they burnt off and the doc has me wearing duct tape at night over it so it can't breathe. Talk about nasty. Don't forget to wash your hands next time you shake someone's hand at a cocktail party! Boobs...finger abnormalities...you get it all at this blog stop.

The best lesson in life

So all of us folks married in the last 15 years or so have done it. The good old six week course with the minister to inform you about all things marriage. Given my inability to sit through classes and now meetings, our course was nothing more than a painful duty that I had to complete. How was some guy that barely knew us going to enlighten us and provide a foundation for our marriage for the next 50 years?

Low and behold, he said something to us that I think constantly. In a round about way, he said you two will be together for all of life. Children will come and go but maintaining a healthy relationship will help you endure all things thrown at you long after your children have come and gone. His story involved couples that become so deeply involved with their children, that 18 years after that first child has come and departed the nest, some couples look at each other unsure of who they married and how they need to interact after they are left along once again.

I think about this a lot, especially with our losses. Sometimes I think it is just luck or maybe fate but somehow I was joined with Tiffany for a reason. A reason that was beyond my control and was pure destiny. We have an ability to grown with each lesson life has presented us and we are actually a stronger, more capable duo than ever before. I draw on that lesson he (can you believe I actually have no idea what his name was even though he is the legal link between us) gave to us.

Long after Cocoa Been has come and gone, I will have an unbreakable bond with my wife. All the joy that we will find with our new gift will only be a building block for the most important bond of all, our relationship.

Ready or not...

Holy smokes! We have a baby coming!

That was the feeling as we walked out of MoBap (Missouri Baptist Hospital for you non-locals) earlier this week. We are right in the middle of the 'red flag' stage but the doctor has already moved passed that and onto the next step in this journey. There have been no changes to Tiff's cervix to this point so he doesn't expect there to be any significant worries in the coming weeks. He has progressed to the next areas of concerns for someone in her condition such as elevated risks for preterm labor and other symptoms that are common in her condition. All something we need to be aware of and ready to react to, but most are typical pregnancy risks even though her risks are elevated slightly versus the traditional pregnancy.

I really find commonality in a lot of what the doctor says. He will say things like, "10% of pregnancies experience concerns with elevated preterm labor but your risk is 22%". Delivering that to an analytical mind, I can fully relate to his message. Calculated, predictable, and simple in delivery. I only wish I could communicate with my customers like he communicates with us. Things would be much easier.

We both are on a teetering point now. We are ready to fully embrace what is about to happen but guarded so not to not allow ourselves to be set up for emotional letdown. We really want to commit emotionally but still find ourselves prepared should the conditions change. I expect that to change in the next month or so but for now, we are still counting each week as if each were a milestone and that month of July will become a steam engine barreling down the track to our dream destination.