It's now time to lead and provide strength for your partner...

In keeping with my miscarriage theme, I feel as if want to stay on this topic for a while. I don’t want to seem so pretentious to think I have any real answers but I hope that one day someone finds my posts and I can give them some form of reassurance…

I have found that I can either sulk or I can find reasons for growth in each of life’s road blocks that I encounter. To quote an overused term, “Life is too short”. But really, it is. The same can’t be said for one’s wife after a miscarriage. I found out quickly that there is nothing a husband can do to erase the pain she has with the loss. Not to minimize the sorrow a husband can and will have, but a man really can’t full appreciate what it is like to have life in you one second and it’s all gone the next.

I wanted to analyze everything after each loss. Had I let her push herself too much with work? Should I have pumped her gas a couple weeks back? What could I have possibly done to put her in this situation? The answer is simple…it is totally out of your control. It is not your fault and it absolutely has nothing to do with what your wife did or didn’t do. You must refocus your energy because there is nothing you can do to reverse everything. You must now stand up and do what you affirmed you would do in your marriage vows, be a husband.

Mainly, you must now be there to mentally help your wife recapture herself. You simply have to roll with the emotions and simply encourage your wife to the best of your abilities in that given moment and emotion. There will be times that she has tremendous pain and you can must simply let her know you are there. She will want to cry, sleep, or sulk and the only thing you can do is give her space to let her mend while reassuring her that you are there if needed. On any given day, Tiffany can be in a bad mood and a few jokes later I can have her all smiles but those weeks after a miscarriage where unlike anything I could have prepared for. You will not fix her pain, you can only help her overcome it.

Make life easier for her by cleaning her car, picking up dinner, or facing family or friends when she just isn’t up to it. Depending on the person, I would recommend her and potentially both of you going to a professional, joining a group, or even just finding a new hobby. It is more important that ever to be constant and you have to find a way to give her strength. Strength to know tomorrow will be better than yesterday and most importantly, the reassurance that your child will always be apart of both of you.

Others may forget what you went through but that child will represent growth, appreciation, and strength for you both in the years to come. I surely couldn’t have predicted it at the time, but our marriage now is truly better for what we have been through and our love is deeper than ever. Our respect for one another is greater than we could ever hoped. You will realize in due time that your wife is stronger than you think but she can’t do it alone.

Learning to be a husband

This is where I want to switch up my posts a little. I have been getting a feel for everything up until this point but no more of the 'current issues' junk. Okay, so maybe I'll feel overly compelled at some point down but I really want to focus on something much more relevant and significant. Learning to be a husband.

I lightly dabbled in the thought for a short time about putting my emotions down on paper about how to cope as a husband with miscarriage. I suppose this will be my journal to track my thoughts. I certainly do not have any definitive answers but if I can open my thoughts to others in a similar situation, maybe I can bring peace to those who have walked our path.

I have turned my attention to this today as I sit here two years removed from losing our first baby boy 20 weeks into our pregnancy. I have so many thoughts on a day like today. I have so much to say and to think about. My mind drifts but my heart remains steadfast...on my wife. Just like that surreal day when we were cooking chili and Tiffany began to panic.

She didn't know what was happening but she knew it wasn't good. That very moment marks the point in my life where I felt most useless in my time on earth. I am supposed to shield my wife from all things negative but there I was more helpless than I ever could have imagined. But here's the thing, I couldn't be helpless. Not now. This moment wasn't about me. This was about Tiffany…me upholding my obligation to her as a husband, and what I could do in that very moment to make the best of what we faced. It may sound strange, how can I make best of her literally giving birth several months too soon? But it was very clear to me what I had to more than ever; remain constant, resolved, and open. She needed me and it wasn't time for me to worry about anything but making the most of our misfortune.

We spent the next 18 hours going through pain that I didn't even know existed. I had not even thought it to be a possibility. Even with all of the scares we had up until that point, I think I blocked the possibility from my mind. But that night defined us as a couple. We made all of the right calls given the situation. We grew closer in 18 hours than we had in the previous 8 years of knowing one another. She became my hero that night and gave me strength to become an even better man and husband. We faced a mountain ahead that we had not trained for but for that one night, we were parents and I was prouder than ever to be her husband.

Our basement project

So, long about a year ago, we decided to tackle our basement remodel by ourselves. I must say it has taken longer than I would like but I wouldn't have it any other way. We initially were going to hire out someone to do it for us but circumstances changed and we opted to jump in head first. What a mistake it would have been for us to throw money at someone else. Aside from the pure profitability standpoint when we eventually move on to our next home, I have a real complex with others doing something I think I can do myself...and I stress “I think”.

At times, I have procrastinated with certain tasks as I am a little uncertain of my abilities. I try to do my best to exude nothing but confidence and certainty but deep down I know why I delay. The more I delve in, the more I realize my trepidation is merely a mental block that I need to ignore. So what if I make a mistake? My $100 mistake is much cheaper in the end than hiring someone else to do it for me. I learn, I grow, and I gain more confidence in trying it myself. I had a wonderful instructor in my father for many years so I simply need to concentrate, take my time, and rely on my learning’s to get me through certain projects.

I am quite proud of far I have come in my endeavor. The old has been torn out (thanks to my kid brother), the new walls are standing strong, and the drywall is being erected much smoother than I anticipated. The end is near and I will find great pride in eventually sitting down there on my conference calls and processing the never ending administrative paperwork that is enviable with any sales position. I look forward to presenting you with the finished product that I will be able to look out on and see my father's pride gleaming from the walls around me. “I think” has slowly become “I can” and I owe it all to my mentor. Thanks again Dad, I should have said it more often.

Neighbors

What I have learned thus far as a semi-professional blogger...don't post about fringe whack jobs like my previous post unless you are ready for an onslaught of messages from people crazy about the topic. I can't tell you how glad I am that I enabled the function that allows you to view and approve replies before allowing them to the site. I was called just about every name in the book even though I did nothing to advocate the Scientology people. I just want a simply Saturday without the blocked streets and weird masks, that was all.

So, moving forward from my learning’s...

It sure is great to have a fun group of neighbors. If you haven't reached out to those on your street or on the next block, I urge you to reach out as you don't know what you may be missing. We have been blessed in all of our homes to have remarkable people around us. This home is no different. I had the pleasure of joining two couples from down the street out at a few bars on Saturday while the wife was out of town. Nothing facing, just a few drinks, several laughs, and many embellished stories from yesteryear. We all come from different backgrounds, upbringings, and zip codes but one thing is for sure...we all can appreciate a nice night out with great people learning from those around us. I will never undervalue the friendships we have formed with those who have lived near us and I can only hope we leave an enduring memory with them even when we pack up and move on to our next journey in life. Here's to those around us for making us better people for having known them.

Setting the table

So I started this blog thing and quickly let it become a distant thought. What do I write about? Would anyone care to listen to me pontificate? Well you know what? 2009 may be when I finally have reason to articulate thought more frequently. Not a resolution, as I am not big on resolutions...simply just a renewed desire to put 'pen to paper'. So here I go...

Why is it we take new year's to 'turn over a new leaf'? Why does a superficial date give us reason to wipe the slate clean and start a new beginning? I think it is simple. While time is all relative, a new year signifies change for those looking for a new beginning. So really it is an excuse to look at something with renewed hope. I am all for looking for something better and brighter so don't get me wrong in my questioning. I have no problem with looking for the positive. I simply think that we have to remember that while times may have been longer or darker last year, you grow stronger for your experiences so you shouldn't simply discard those events but instead find the resolve you need to grow from your difficult experiences and use it to propel you to better things in the days, weeks, and years ahead.

So here is to you finding growth from your prior year.

Where do I begin?

One of the first things I like to do when I return from a long week on the road is reference my wife's message to the world for the moment. Why not begin to dabble myself? I am not entirely sure I will maintain a constant message but I will surely find myself pontificating my thoughts, views, and ideology regardless of viewer ship. Where do I go with this? Only time will tell...