"The Pregnancy"

So I just found out that I am doing something bad during this pregnancy. The bad action is in that first sentence. Do you see it? Funny, I didn’t either until Tiffany just pointed it out. I have been calling everything up to this point ‘the pregnancy’. I am not associating myself to the baby at this point. We are almost three months into this and I still am instinctively distancing myself from the hurt that came with the last two.

That is one of the toughest things with miscarriage. The mother becomes one with the baby. She has life inside her and feels everything. The mood change, the hunger, fatigue…but the man has to allow everything to come to him. In the first pregnancy, you are attached from the second the test says “Pregnant”. With each loss, it is only natural for the man to unconsciously distance himself from everything.

I don’t think it is wrong to place that barrier between you and the baby, but you just need to understand it, embrace it, and ensure your wife knows that you are more committed to her than ever before. Inevitably, you will grow closer to the baby as those critical months pass and the worry transforms into elation. While I need time to accept everything with ‘the pregnancy’, my passion and commitment to her is unwavering. It is simply my job to ensure she knows that it is not her that I am keeping at arms length, it is my emotions that I am simply trying to keep in check.

Do I sound bitter?

One of the most difficult things about living in a ‘high risk’ pregnancy is that you almost feel as if you are living a double life. All you think about is your wife. Is she okay today? Are those pains ‘normal’? When is our next appointment and what will they say? At the same time, you have to live your traditional life. You still have to remain steadfast at work and with your family and friends.

Pregnancy world and regular world move at two totally different speeds, and that is very difficult to get used to. No matter your situation, if you have lost four pregnancies before 10 weeks or two before 20 weeks, that 10 or 20 week hurdle moves slower with each loss. You live your life in slow motion and you know it is only you are your wife turning the pages each day on your calendar but at the same time you are strapped to the front of a 737 in your regular life and you just hope that a big goose isn’t flying your way.

One of the worst parts of the double life is that you often get news that crosses the two universes. It is great when your neighbor or best friend is also pregnant but what about that person that does not ‘deserve’ it. You know who I am talking about. That person that has no job and their only contribution to society is pushing carbon dioxide out of their lungs for plants to sustain life. You find out that they are expecting. How do I say this eloquently…it sucks.

You feel you have positioned yourself so well to be well balanced parents. You have read all of the books, you have prepared your 521 and 401k, and you have reached full maturity as an adult. Conversely, your counterpart has no idea how to parent and is often working on a multiple botched relationship in which they bring life into the picture. I really want to feel no ill will towards anyone. I really do hope for the best for anyone and everyone but it just stings a little more than normal when you realize they are able to do something you are not. You want it, they end up with it. You just have to realize that it is another one of life’s mysteries that you must appreciate and move on from (but it still sucks).

On the bright side, Tiffany is at week 11. No really worries at this point. Surgery is in two weeks and the real worrying beings in about 6 weeks. Hopefully God, fate, advanced medicine, and a little luck will be on our side this time around. How else can you look at it?

Keeping focus on everything - including yourself

So very selfishly, my first major life change has occurred with our pregnancy. As stated previously, I typically find it my fundamental task to ensure Tiffany’s happiness and wellbeing over the next few months. That being said, it is critical for a husband and expecting father to find releases and motivation for himself. I have really found mine in running.

What? If you know me, you would think, “Seriously, the guy is a runner like Michael Scott is a leader”. But I have really found something to drive me.

I am motivated and pushed by one person in life, myself. If I am unable to find that thing to push me, then I often have difficulty finding the right inspiration. I want to be the best employee that has ever been in my position, I want to be a husband better than any other I know, and I have finally have found something to light my competitive fire when it comes to working out.

In high school, I think I savored the preparation for sport as much or more than the games itself. I found great pride in being stronger than I was yesterday and being better overall than last year. I pushed myself and that is what I have finally found with running.

Last year, I completed the Indianapolis Mini Marathon. This year I was actually training to run it. I had a real goal…2 hours and 15 minutes. When I started out, it was a real stretch. I did it in 2:38 last year so shaving some 90 seconds off per mile is somewhat of a reach but I have been extremely focused and dedicated in my approach this year. I have actually been on pace to knock my goal out of the park.

Then came the news on Monday. Great news…really it was. Tiffany is a great candidate for a surgery to help us ensure we have a full term pregnancy. The best news I could have received. But I must say I was very selfishly disappointed as it is the day before the mini and there is no possible way for me to make the race. Come on, I would not even consider missing this for a simple race. I can run in hundreds of races per year, but this procedure is literally life changing.

I think the worst part was I saw the disappointment in Tiffany. She knows me and she knew how important this was for me. But the great news is I will get the best of both worlds. Hopefully a happy, healthy wife, and also to run my 2:15. There is a race in September near our house that I can now refocus on and I should likely consider readjusting my personal goal. I now have more time to prepare so is 2:10 out of the question?

I think in reflecting on the situation, to know that you must be there for your wife first and foremost but you also need that thing that drives you. Laundry, Starbucks runs, and overall caring for your wife is number one but you can’t forget to lose focus on yourself. Your wife will be nothing if you fall apart.

Fearing my phone...

How fortunate am I? I am in a job I absolutely love. I don’t ever wake up dreading the day or feel as if I can be doing something else more fulfilling. I get to see and experience places I never thought imaginable. San Francisco, Salt Lake City, and Minneapolis among others and while in those cities I have seen LeBron play against the Nuggets, the Oakland A’s play at their home park of the Oakland Coliseum, and even took in a college football game at the Air Force Academy. When Tiffany and I met, none of this was even in my thoughts or dreams. We have been more fortunate in the last few years to see and experience things many don’t experience in a lifetime.

I would give it all up in a heartbeat though not to go through the terrible feeling each time my phone rings with Tiffany’s name on the caller ID. Don’t get me wrong, my long weeks on the road would not be bearable if I couldn’t talk with her and get updates about how Parker made her laugh that day. But my angst right now is that I am not going to be by her side if something goes wrong.

Without even being conscious of it at the time, when we met (or she found me as she likes to point out), I was drawn to her for her resolve and vigor. She does not NEED me, nor has she ever and that is what I respect most about her. But the call I received last June while in Denver, that something had gone wrong…that call still makes me sick inside even today to recall how helpless I felt. I was not there to hold her and tell her things would be okay. I would not have changed the outcome but I would have felt better knowing that I was there to do the one and only thing I can do as a husband, stand by her side.

So the next several months will be spent with me taking my phone with me to the bathroom, into meetings, and anywhere else necessary. I long for the day that my anxiety turns to eagerness. While optimism is a quality I fully embrace, it has been difficult to draw on in these first few months. But I can, and must keep my thoughts on my original point…that I have a wonderfully strong wife that is more than capable of handling anything thrown her way.