Where's my checklist?

So it is no longer Cocoa Bean. It is unofficially Cocoa Kicker. We have cleared yet another hurdle as we approach 22 weeks and the clinical definition of cervical incompetence is about to pass. We are officially in the panic mode of preparation for arrival. Cocoa is very active and while our third child, my first experience to actually touch my wife's belly and to feel that kick that we've needed to feel for too long.

Previously, we spent 20 weeks getting ready for everything psychologically. How will schedules change, what will we do with the rooms in our house, what will be our next phase in our lives as our Cocoa enters the world. It all came crashing down two times before so now that we have passed that big stage, we now are on fast forward. We can no longer and sit back and hold our collective breath as we have done for the last five months, we now need to cram 40 weeks of preparation into four short months.

I still think a lot out our two boys. I also reflect on many people that have shared similar voyages. How do our friends in Florida feel as they are about 16 months behind us in our journey? Are they holding strong despite their upbeat outward disposition? What about my great childhood friend that was on the verge of twins only to face a loss two times over? How do they cope with two already running wild and their next attempt on the way? I find condolence in knowing many have done it before us and many more are well on their way of also realizing their dream.

While we may not have all of the appropriate equipment prepared...poop stations, barf cleanup kits, and all of the other unexpected things that I am sure we will soon need, I am confident that we are prepared. We have been ready for this for almost three years now so our extended impediment will only make us more capable, prepared, and understanding as people and more importantly as parents.


That being said, is there a Cliff Notes for what to do when Cocoa actually gets here pertaining to the formerly referenced poop, vomit, and crying?

Sharing our excitement

One thing we never wanted to forget in our losses is that others have experienced pain and loss along with us. Many people either avoid the topic because frankly it is uncomfortable or they are more self consumed and simply don't think about our journey. Either way, don't most of us do that with many things anyway?

But then comes our parents. It is sometimes difficult for me to gauge the pain they have felt. I know it is there. Is it more pain because they see their children reeling or is it pain because they too have been deprived of one of life’s greatest exercises - being grandparents? I would assume it is a little of both but in an attempt to involve them in the process, we are taking a little different approach with Cocoa Bean.

As my previous posts indicate, I feel marriages are sacred on many levels. For that reason, we tend to keep many things to ourselves. But we have felt this pregnancy to be more important to engage our parents. While we have made the life choice to live far from them, we have already made things a little more difficult on them so the least we can do is give them experiences that they wouldn't alternatively have. One is joining us in our journey, albeit in a simple way.

We had my mother come to town this week to experience our ultrasound. What a great experience it was. With this being about our 6th or so, the glee has somewhat faded when we see that little one come up on the screen but you could feel the anticipation and exhilaration gleaming from my mom. Not that I don't still feel pride and joy in seeing the ultrasound but that feeling up my spine isn't the same each time I see Cocoa ticked off that some lady is pushing on their sack of serenity. However, I could completely feel my mom's wonder pouring throughout the room. She deserves that feeling and why not give it to her now instead of waiting until October when Cocoa makes his/her grand appearance. It gives her the ability to connect on another level with everything which is both deserved and long overdue.

We look forward to giving that same feeling and experience to Tiffany's parents in the coming weeks. There's nothing else like it and I can't wait for them to feel that same overwhelming excitement that we only wish they could have had long before.

There are some perks to the journey

As I attempt to write this 9 fingered (try it, harder than you would think) I think I finally need to say something upbeat. When Tiff and I talked about this originally, we talked about chronicling thoughts and feelings regardless of the delivery. I thought I would be able to mix in some minor humor along the way but as I got about 14 weeks into this I realized there's just not much fun to trying to see a pregnancy like this through.

It's difficult to keep your sprits up, plain and simple. No way to sugar coat it. I give my normal demeanor on the exterior but on the inside, I still hold back the feels to guard against the worst. It's only natural but my ultimate intention is to give you my inner thoughts not my outside view that others see. So sorry for Debbie Downer so often.

Okay, on to the bright side. Family members, you may want to look away for this part. But here it goes. My wife’s boobs are AWESOME. Even in some of the trepidation, I still relish in those fun moments like seeing that dress pop from her beautiful figure. While painful, itchy, and constantly soar for her, they bring me great visual pleasure. What can else can I say?

Back to the nine fingers...talk about being all over the place. I have this nasty growth thing that they burnt off and the doc has me wearing duct tape at night over it so it can't breathe. Talk about nasty. Don't forget to wash your hands next time you shake someone's hand at a cocktail party! Boobs...finger abnormalities...you get it all at this blog stop.

The best lesson in life

So all of us folks married in the last 15 years or so have done it. The good old six week course with the minister to inform you about all things marriage. Given my inability to sit through classes and now meetings, our course was nothing more than a painful duty that I had to complete. How was some guy that barely knew us going to enlighten us and provide a foundation for our marriage for the next 50 years?

Low and behold, he said something to us that I think constantly. In a round about way, he said you two will be together for all of life. Children will come and go but maintaining a healthy relationship will help you endure all things thrown at you long after your children have come and gone. His story involved couples that become so deeply involved with their children, that 18 years after that first child has come and departed the nest, some couples look at each other unsure of who they married and how they need to interact after they are left along once again.

I think about this a lot, especially with our losses. Sometimes I think it is just luck or maybe fate but somehow I was joined with Tiffany for a reason. A reason that was beyond my control and was pure destiny. We have an ability to grown with each lesson life has presented us and we are actually a stronger, more capable duo than ever before. I draw on that lesson he (can you believe I actually have no idea what his name was even though he is the legal link between us) gave to us.

Long after Cocoa Been has come and gone, I will have an unbreakable bond with my wife. All the joy that we will find with our new gift will only be a building block for the most important bond of all, our relationship.

Ready or not...

Holy smokes! We have a baby coming!

That was the feeling as we walked out of MoBap (Missouri Baptist Hospital for you non-locals) earlier this week. We are right in the middle of the 'red flag' stage but the doctor has already moved passed that and onto the next step in this journey. There have been no changes to Tiff's cervix to this point so he doesn't expect there to be any significant worries in the coming weeks. He has progressed to the next areas of concerns for someone in her condition such as elevated risks for preterm labor and other symptoms that are common in her condition. All something we need to be aware of and ready to react to, but most are typical pregnancy risks even though her risks are elevated slightly versus the traditional pregnancy.

I really find commonality in a lot of what the doctor says. He will say things like, "10% of pregnancies experience concerns with elevated preterm labor but your risk is 22%". Delivering that to an analytical mind, I can fully relate to his message. Calculated, predictable, and simple in delivery. I only wish I could communicate with my customers like he communicates with us. Things would be much easier.

We both are on a teetering point now. We are ready to fully embrace what is about to happen but guarded so not to not allow ourselves to be set up for emotional letdown. We really want to commit emotionally but still find ourselves prepared should the conditions change. I expect that to change in the next month or so but for now, we are still counting each week as if each were a milestone and that month of July will become a steam engine barreling down the track to our dream destination.

Road warrior

Who is the most fortunate guy in the world? Okay, others may have a good case but I am certainly in the running. I work for the greatest company in the world. I bring sweet moments of happiness to the world everyday. How many people can say that? On top of working in a job that I wake up excited for each and every day, I completely and undeniably over-married. I should have never landed the wife I did. She is so out of my league but for some strange reason, she decided I was the one. I have a wonderful group of friends that I would do anything for and I think they reciprocate those feelings.

All of that being said, man I hate weeks like this. I am in Florida this week for our national meeting. I know, I know, though life. Great food, reconnecting with colleagues, and even getting time to see friends from college. But I can't even explain how tough it is to be away from my bride. I miss her dearly and can't wait to be back to help her with laundry or any other household duties that my arise. Even though I spend 2-3 nights per week on the road, these weeks are different. 7 AM start times and ending around 9 PM after dinners and such so it makes it tough to get my daily updates on how she is feeling or what she did for lunch.

I can't wait for my return home and to rub that beautiful belly!

Loyalty or Personality?

What I am about to describe may be you and if it is, only you can fully appreciate what I am about to say. Did you find your mother or father terrible aggravating as a youngster? For me it was my dad. He was always 'up in my grill' about helping change the oil, helping with something in the yard, or some other job that I was entirely too busy for at the age of 12. What has happened some 20 years later? I find myself a very similar to him in many ways. What I found incredibly annoying, I know am in flesh and blood.

One attribute I have found that I absorbed from him was his ability to feel people. I do this, right or wrong, with everyone I encounter. I quickly size them up and decide how close I will allow them into my life. Some are just good people to have a drink with, others are people you would trust with anything, and there are some you keep at bay...only have them near when you must.

Where am I going with this? I have difficulty at times distinguishing qualities through in my judgment. I often cast off people for not exhibiting common ideals or beliefs but times like now, I need to be slower to analyze the situation. We have received many great thoughts and actions by those around us the last few months. Ice cream runs, dinner after surgeries, or a simple phone call to see how things are progressing. Where I need to let my guard down are those who seem to forget what we have been through. There are folks out there that simply have not seen true pain in their lives and simply cannot relate and there are those out there that just forget what we have been through.

This pregnancy can be cast off as a forgone conclusion by some even though they don't realize how we are taking a step, looking around guardedly, and then slowly moving our next foot so not to disrupt anything. I often want to jump on people and say, "Listen, don't you get it? This is our last try at this! Work with our cautiousness and aide us in our journey." But simply stated, many people often see what is only in front of their face and I have to appreciate and accept that. Not everyone knows the pain we still feel two times over even though the glow my be flowing from the outside.