Do I sound bitter?

One of the most difficult things about living in a ‘high risk’ pregnancy is that you almost feel as if you are living a double life. All you think about is your wife. Is she okay today? Are those pains ‘normal’? When is our next appointment and what will they say? At the same time, you have to live your traditional life. You still have to remain steadfast at work and with your family and friends.

Pregnancy world and regular world move at two totally different speeds, and that is very difficult to get used to. No matter your situation, if you have lost four pregnancies before 10 weeks or two before 20 weeks, that 10 or 20 week hurdle moves slower with each loss. You live your life in slow motion and you know it is only you are your wife turning the pages each day on your calendar but at the same time you are strapped to the front of a 737 in your regular life and you just hope that a big goose isn’t flying your way.

One of the worst parts of the double life is that you often get news that crosses the two universes. It is great when your neighbor or best friend is also pregnant but what about that person that does not ‘deserve’ it. You know who I am talking about. That person that has no job and their only contribution to society is pushing carbon dioxide out of their lungs for plants to sustain life. You find out that they are expecting. How do I say this eloquently…it sucks.

You feel you have positioned yourself so well to be well balanced parents. You have read all of the books, you have prepared your 521 and 401k, and you have reached full maturity as an adult. Conversely, your counterpart has no idea how to parent and is often working on a multiple botched relationship in which they bring life into the picture. I really want to feel no ill will towards anyone. I really do hope for the best for anyone and everyone but it just stings a little more than normal when you realize they are able to do something you are not. You want it, they end up with it. You just have to realize that it is another one of life’s mysteries that you must appreciate and move on from (but it still sucks).

On the bright side, Tiffany is at week 11. No really worries at this point. Surgery is in two weeks and the real worrying beings in about 6 weeks. Hopefully God, fate, advanced medicine, and a little luck will be on our side this time around. How else can you look at it?