Jun 1, 2009

Loyalty or Personality?

What I am about to describe may be you and if it is, only you can fully appreciate what I am about to say. Did you find your mother or father terrible aggravating as a youngster? For me it was my dad. He was always 'up in my grill' about helping change the oil, helping with something in the yard, or some other job that I was entirely too busy for at the age of 12. What has happened some 20 years later? I find myself a very similar to him in many ways. What I found incredibly annoying, I know am in flesh and blood.

One attribute I have found that I absorbed from him was his ability to feel people. I do this, right or wrong, with everyone I encounter. I quickly size them up and decide how close I will allow them into my life. Some are just good people to have a drink with, others are people you would trust with anything, and there are some you keep at bay...only have them near when you must.

Where am I going with this? I have difficulty at times distinguishing qualities through in my judgment. I often cast off people for not exhibiting common ideals or beliefs but times like now, I need to be slower to analyze the situation. We have received many great thoughts and actions by those around us the last few months. Ice cream runs, dinner after surgeries, or a simple phone call to see how things are progressing. Where I need to let my guard down are those who seem to forget what we have been through. There are folks out there that simply have not seen true pain in their lives and simply cannot relate and there are those out there that just forget what we have been through.

This pregnancy can be cast off as a forgone conclusion by some even though they don't realize how we are taking a step, looking around guardedly, and then slowly moving our next foot so not to disrupt anything. I often want to jump on people and say, "Listen, don't you get it? This is our last try at this! Work with our cautiousness and aide us in our journey." But simply stated, many people often see what is only in front of their face and I have to appreciate and accept that. Not everyone knows the pain we still feel two times over even though the glow my be flowing from the outside.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Matt, don't be so quick to judge. I have a friend who lost her son during childbirth. She carried him to full term and he died in the process. Her way of dealing is to not bring it up. She has pictures of her stillborn son on her desk, but doesn't want comment. She hasn't forgotten, she just choses to deal that way. It is hard for some people to know how to handle a situation like this. You can't even imagine the heartbreak that your loss has caused Bill and I. Every time the phone rings and it's Aunt Becky, my heart stops until I find out what she wants. Don't let the grief of your past delude your joy for the future. You have so many family and friends praying and sending love to you on a daily basis. Don't think for one moment they have forgotten what you have lost, they are only staying positive for your future. I'm not saying this because I thought your blog was about me, but I do know that some people just don't know how to address your loss other than to not mention it. Don't be so hard on yourself!!! Love Ya! Tani

Wander this World said...

Thank you very much for your thoughts Toni. Often after I put something down in thought, I hope others don't misunderstand where I am coming from because I really am an upbeat person by nature. I simply want to represent my unguarded feelings even though it may not be what I portray on the exterior. While I hate that you hold your breath each time the phone rings, on some strange level, it is comforting knowing others feel the nerve we have each second of each day. Distorted, I know, but real feelings that we are enduring. nonetheless. We appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers, we really do. We just feel we have some others that forget and expect us to move about like nothing is different for us. Darn it, we feel like we go the extra mile for others and simply want 9 months for some people to reciprocate with understanding and assistance!