17 and counting

Fours months have passed in what seems like an eternity at this point. I say that but it has also progressed quickly in some ways. It feels like a long time between ultrasounds, even at every two weeks, but it was just like it was yesterday that we were anxious for the test to say pregnant.

Starting at this point is when we both will have some added apprehension. We are at the clinical definition of when women have incompetent cervix complications. 17 - 22 weeks is the time frame in which those with the diagnosis begin to dilate. For that reason, all of the doctor’s visits each week will come with a new sense of angst. We will see the doctors each week now through the end of June which is really a welcomed relief. As our doctor told us in our last visit, they have applied 'full court press' so we can only move forward with each cautious step with the confidence that this will finally be the one.

We have done everything possible so now only time will tell if we will finally realize our dream. I am left feeling unsure how to process each day. I will welcome July in a way I have never before. June is a wonderful month but I truly wish we could fast forward to the point in which when we can let out that proverbial sigh of relief. While many obstacles will face us in July and beyond, I look forward to the day when we can finally celebrate this event and look forward to the new chapter in our life together.

Along came Tiffany

Sitting in my hotel room on a sleepless evening and came across the movie that best describes Tiffany and I when we meet..."Along came Polly". The overly cautious guy and the free spirited girl. He's awkward and deliberate, she's open and experiencing everything life has to offer. Ultimately, we know the ending. They end up becoming a little like the other and realize that their differences are what makes them interested and compelled by the one another.

I don't know yet what that means for Cocoa Bean but I think it is good. I think it means that we will give two great examples of how life can be lived to the fullest in two totally different ways. All I know for sure is that regardless of he or she being a sports loving, number cruncher or an open minded, art enthusiast, Cocoa is going to bring us a joy that we have never experienced before.

15 weeks down...about 5 months to go.

This one is different

Those who experience 'high risk' pregnancies are fortune in one way...lots of ultrasounds! There is a feeling unlike any other when you can look into that screen and see your baby right in front of your eyes kicking around and that little heart is puttering away.

We are in that third phase now (one was 13 weeks of worry and two was our cerclage). We have a new reassurance with the cerclage and our successful outcome rate as risen to 88% which is much better than before but we are still counting down for weeks 18...19...and 20 to arrive. That is when we will hopefully pass the incompetent cervix barrier phase and move into the honeymoon part of the pregnancy.

I have to say that I am really feeling good the last 10 days. I have thought about it lately and I attribute it to two reasons. One is that Tiffany has a new aura around her. She has a little more skip in her step and the hesitation is at least muted if not gone for the most part. We feed off each other and knowing that she has a renewed sense of relaxation with everything has really calmed my nerves. Second is simple but somewhat unexplainable. This just feels different. In this phase, I am starting to actually see us in November holding our newborn and moving forward with our life. What has felt like a pause over the last two years seems like life is actually on play again and about to move into fast forward. It has been tough at times watching the world move quickly around you but I really have a feeling deep down that we are about to jump on life's treadmill once again.

We will see out doctor now once every two weeks now which is even more comforting. We get to see those little changes in our little Cocoa Bean which is exciting and humbling at the same time. Tiffany is glowing once again and is as beautiful as ever. God willing, we are 1/3 of the way there and I couldn't be more excited.

Newfound admiration

Has it really been almost a month since I posted? Not a great way to garner an audience I suppose but that really has never been my intent or focus. Truthfully, I started this to try to chronicle my thoughts about the pregnancy. Really for our purposes down the line and it would merely be a bonus if I was able to provide another husband a confirmative message that he's not alone in his worries.

What has happened in three weeks? Tiffany had her cerclage last Friday for starters. I must say, I tried to write about it several times last week but kept hitting cancel at the last minute. I had far too much negative energy for some reason. I was in our home office with the leaders in my division all week which always adds to my energy level but then the whole swine flu thing broke. I live on airlines and that seemed to be a target for concern for obvious reasons. Throw in the fact that our lives were about to be altered in a way unlike many others and I had anxiety to the 10th degree.

The positive news is that the surgery went perfectly and the formerly mention virus caused my conference this week to be cancelled which allowed me to stay home with my love. The doctor was very happy with everything and Tiffany was a champion as always.

The worst thing for me in this whole journey has been the actual physical pain she has had to endure. I wish I could be the one that needed something done so that she did not have to experience all of these procedures. That being said, she has handled it as well as anyone could ever expect and it has given me yet another layer of respect that I never thought possible.

Right when I think she has maxed out my admiration for her, she goes and faces the next impediment head on and conquers it like she has been placed on earth to overcome the very challenge that has been presented to her. I would have never questioned her if she had said she had been through enough after the first or second setback but her perseverance gives me strength to be an ever greater husband tomorrow than I am today. I will never do enough for her to repay her for all she has done and I am just eternally grateful for the inspiration she has brought to me in my life.

"The Pregnancy"

So I just found out that I am doing something bad during this pregnancy. The bad action is in that first sentence. Do you see it? Funny, I didn’t either until Tiffany just pointed it out. I have been calling everything up to this point ‘the pregnancy’. I am not associating myself to the baby at this point. We are almost three months into this and I still am instinctively distancing myself from the hurt that came with the last two.

That is one of the toughest things with miscarriage. The mother becomes one with the baby. She has life inside her and feels everything. The mood change, the hunger, fatigue…but the man has to allow everything to come to him. In the first pregnancy, you are attached from the second the test says “Pregnant”. With each loss, it is only natural for the man to unconsciously distance himself from everything.

I don’t think it is wrong to place that barrier between you and the baby, but you just need to understand it, embrace it, and ensure your wife knows that you are more committed to her than ever before. Inevitably, you will grow closer to the baby as those critical months pass and the worry transforms into elation. While I need time to accept everything with ‘the pregnancy’, my passion and commitment to her is unwavering. It is simply my job to ensure she knows that it is not her that I am keeping at arms length, it is my emotions that I am simply trying to keep in check.

Do I sound bitter?

One of the most difficult things about living in a ‘high risk’ pregnancy is that you almost feel as if you are living a double life. All you think about is your wife. Is she okay today? Are those pains ‘normal’? When is our next appointment and what will they say? At the same time, you have to live your traditional life. You still have to remain steadfast at work and with your family and friends.

Pregnancy world and regular world move at two totally different speeds, and that is very difficult to get used to. No matter your situation, if you have lost four pregnancies before 10 weeks or two before 20 weeks, that 10 or 20 week hurdle moves slower with each loss. You live your life in slow motion and you know it is only you are your wife turning the pages each day on your calendar but at the same time you are strapped to the front of a 737 in your regular life and you just hope that a big goose isn’t flying your way.

One of the worst parts of the double life is that you often get news that crosses the two universes. It is great when your neighbor or best friend is also pregnant but what about that person that does not ‘deserve’ it. You know who I am talking about. That person that has no job and their only contribution to society is pushing carbon dioxide out of their lungs for plants to sustain life. You find out that they are expecting. How do I say this eloquently…it sucks.

You feel you have positioned yourself so well to be well balanced parents. You have read all of the books, you have prepared your 521 and 401k, and you have reached full maturity as an adult. Conversely, your counterpart has no idea how to parent and is often working on a multiple botched relationship in which they bring life into the picture. I really want to feel no ill will towards anyone. I really do hope for the best for anyone and everyone but it just stings a little more than normal when you realize they are able to do something you are not. You want it, they end up with it. You just have to realize that it is another one of life’s mysteries that you must appreciate and move on from (but it still sucks).

On the bright side, Tiffany is at week 11. No really worries at this point. Surgery is in two weeks and the real worrying beings in about 6 weeks. Hopefully God, fate, advanced medicine, and a little luck will be on our side this time around. How else can you look at it?

Keeping focus on everything - including yourself

So very selfishly, my first major life change has occurred with our pregnancy. As stated previously, I typically find it my fundamental task to ensure Tiffany’s happiness and wellbeing over the next few months. That being said, it is critical for a husband and expecting father to find releases and motivation for himself. I have really found mine in running.

What? If you know me, you would think, “Seriously, the guy is a runner like Michael Scott is a leader”. But I have really found something to drive me.

I am motivated and pushed by one person in life, myself. If I am unable to find that thing to push me, then I often have difficulty finding the right inspiration. I want to be the best employee that has ever been in my position, I want to be a husband better than any other I know, and I have finally have found something to light my competitive fire when it comes to working out.

In high school, I think I savored the preparation for sport as much or more than the games itself. I found great pride in being stronger than I was yesterday and being better overall than last year. I pushed myself and that is what I have finally found with running.

Last year, I completed the Indianapolis Mini Marathon. This year I was actually training to run it. I had a real goal…2 hours and 15 minutes. When I started out, it was a real stretch. I did it in 2:38 last year so shaving some 90 seconds off per mile is somewhat of a reach but I have been extremely focused and dedicated in my approach this year. I have actually been on pace to knock my goal out of the park.

Then came the news on Monday. Great news…really it was. Tiffany is a great candidate for a surgery to help us ensure we have a full term pregnancy. The best news I could have received. But I must say I was very selfishly disappointed as it is the day before the mini and there is no possible way for me to make the race. Come on, I would not even consider missing this for a simple race. I can run in hundreds of races per year, but this procedure is literally life changing.

I think the worst part was I saw the disappointment in Tiffany. She knows me and she knew how important this was for me. But the great news is I will get the best of both worlds. Hopefully a happy, healthy wife, and also to run my 2:15. There is a race in September near our house that I can now refocus on and I should likely consider readjusting my personal goal. I now have more time to prepare so is 2:10 out of the question?

I think in reflecting on the situation, to know that you must be there for your wife first and foremost but you also need that thing that drives you. Laundry, Starbucks runs, and overall caring for your wife is number one but you can’t forget to lose focus on yourself. Your wife will be nothing if you fall apart.

Fearing my phone...

How fortunate am I? I am in a job I absolutely love. I don’t ever wake up dreading the day or feel as if I can be doing something else more fulfilling. I get to see and experience places I never thought imaginable. San Francisco, Salt Lake City, and Minneapolis among others and while in those cities I have seen LeBron play against the Nuggets, the Oakland A’s play at their home park of the Oakland Coliseum, and even took in a college football game at the Air Force Academy. When Tiffany and I met, none of this was even in my thoughts or dreams. We have been more fortunate in the last few years to see and experience things many don’t experience in a lifetime.

I would give it all up in a heartbeat though not to go through the terrible feeling each time my phone rings with Tiffany’s name on the caller ID. Don’t get me wrong, my long weeks on the road would not be bearable if I couldn’t talk with her and get updates about how Parker made her laugh that day. But my angst right now is that I am not going to be by her side if something goes wrong.

Without even being conscious of it at the time, when we met (or she found me as she likes to point out), I was drawn to her for her resolve and vigor. She does not NEED me, nor has she ever and that is what I respect most about her. But the call I received last June while in Denver, that something had gone wrong…that call still makes me sick inside even today to recall how helpless I felt. I was not there to hold her and tell her things would be okay. I would not have changed the outcome but I would have felt better knowing that I was there to do the one and only thing I can do as a husband, stand by her side.

So the next several months will be spent with me taking my phone with me to the bathroom, into meetings, and anywhere else necessary. I long for the day that my anxiety turns to eagerness. While optimism is a quality I fully embrace, it has been difficult to draw on in these first few months. But I can, and must keep my thoughts on my original point…that I have a wonderfully strong wife that is more than capable of handling anything thrown her way.

One more try

I purposely started my blogging experience when I did for a reason. I knew this day was imminent, the day I can proudly say that we are once again pregnant. In my best effort, I will attempt to articulate my feelings as the pregnancy progresses. What does a husband think and feel as he embarks on nine months unlike any other?

I can say, after seven weeks, that this is will certainly be the longest nine months of my life. Do you remember what it was like as a child on December 1st? When you felt like Christmas would never arrive? Take that feeling and extrapolate that over roughly 36 weeks and here I sit.

I returned from one of my typical weeks on the road…one day too many as usual. I needed my wife’s touch and a good dinner with her to catch up face to face. We both knew it was time to ‘test’ when I got home and it didn’t take much negotiating to convenience her to give it a try. Let me tell you, when I looked down and read that magic word, I was overcome with a feeling of emancipation. In addition to the two miscarriages, we have also needed a little help conceiving, that in addition to two surgeries to correct a uterine abnormality. So the whole getting pregnant thing has been a story in its own. Give me a few glasses of wine and I can tell you a funny story about that experience. (Rated PG, I promise)

The next few weeks were strange for me. I had not prepared myself entirely for all of this. We had been so focused on the surgeries and the getting pregnant part that I had not done an adequate job preparing myself for what I would feel once the new journey began. I actually had a difficult time sleeping initially. Many bad dreams where I woke myself thinking something bad had happened. Fortunately, it only lasted about a week. I think I have simply come to peace with the experience.

I have many thoughts and emotions so I will do my best to express them as the calendar turns. Again, my only hope is that some husband in a similar situation can turn to this blog one day and can find peace in their feelings as they can know someone else has walked this path before them. And it all turns out well. Regardless of the outcome, I feel I have become a better husband and together we have become better people for what we have endured. I only hope others can find peace in their misfortunes and strength in their outcomes. I can end this quest with or without a child but my life long journey with my wife will be complete regardless of the end result. We have each other and ultimately, that is the greatest gift of all.

What can I say, someone struck a nerve this weekend...

After a miscarriage, you can prepare for many things that will come your way like the inevitable call from a close friend or relative saying they are pregnant. They often say they didn’t know how to tell you as if you would be bitter over their great news. Truthfully, I know Tiff and I have always had nothing but joy and happiness for those around us. How can you not? Everyone’s lives will not stop just because you feel like yours has been placed on pause. You simply feel regretful that others are not able to fully enjoy their news with you as they feel some form of remorse.

Things you aren't prepared for are the questions like, “Do you have kids”. Seems innocent enough but how do you answer that to a co-worker? What about when it gets worse and they have no social barometer…“No kids? Why?” So even after more prodding, sometimes you have to just make people feel bad just so you stop that shrinking feeling inside by really telling them why you don’t have kids at that very moment.

The worst for me is, “Oh…you don’t have kids? Let me tell you, you just don’t understand…your life is SO going to change when you do…your marriage is really going to change.” You know what? Take a hike, pal. The one thing I know Eli and Webber brought to our lives is renewed strength and unity. The losses we have endured have done nothing but strengthen our resolve and solidify the love we have for each other.

This will most certainly sound pretentious but what I want to say to some is, “Just because you have a marginal marriage, at best, before the birth of your child, the newborn only accentuated your weaknesses as a couple.” We have been through it all so I don’t need your ivory tower assessment to tell me how things will change. I get that the dinner dates will become fewer, the sleep will become more infrequent and alone time will become a foreign word, but there is one thing I am confident of…my admiration and devotion to Tiffany will remain steadfast and unwavering no matter what life throws at me.

It's now time to lead and provide strength for your partner...

In keeping with my miscarriage theme, I feel as if want to stay on this topic for a while. I don’t want to seem so pretentious to think I have any real answers but I hope that one day someone finds my posts and I can give them some form of reassurance…

I have found that I can either sulk or I can find reasons for growth in each of life’s road blocks that I encounter. To quote an overused term, “Life is too short”. But really, it is. The same can’t be said for one’s wife after a miscarriage. I found out quickly that there is nothing a husband can do to erase the pain she has with the loss. Not to minimize the sorrow a husband can and will have, but a man really can’t full appreciate what it is like to have life in you one second and it’s all gone the next.

I wanted to analyze everything after each loss. Had I let her push herself too much with work? Should I have pumped her gas a couple weeks back? What could I have possibly done to put her in this situation? The answer is simple…it is totally out of your control. It is not your fault and it absolutely has nothing to do with what your wife did or didn’t do. You must refocus your energy because there is nothing you can do to reverse everything. You must now stand up and do what you affirmed you would do in your marriage vows, be a husband.

Mainly, you must now be there to mentally help your wife recapture herself. You simply have to roll with the emotions and simply encourage your wife to the best of your abilities in that given moment and emotion. There will be times that she has tremendous pain and you can must simply let her know you are there. She will want to cry, sleep, or sulk and the only thing you can do is give her space to let her mend while reassuring her that you are there if needed. On any given day, Tiffany can be in a bad mood and a few jokes later I can have her all smiles but those weeks after a miscarriage where unlike anything I could have prepared for. You will not fix her pain, you can only help her overcome it.

Make life easier for her by cleaning her car, picking up dinner, or facing family or friends when she just isn’t up to it. Depending on the person, I would recommend her and potentially both of you going to a professional, joining a group, or even just finding a new hobby. It is more important that ever to be constant and you have to find a way to give her strength. Strength to know tomorrow will be better than yesterday and most importantly, the reassurance that your child will always be apart of both of you.

Others may forget what you went through but that child will represent growth, appreciation, and strength for you both in the years to come. I surely couldn’t have predicted it at the time, but our marriage now is truly better for what we have been through and our love is deeper than ever. Our respect for one another is greater than we could ever hoped. You will realize in due time that your wife is stronger than you think but she can’t do it alone.

Learning to be a husband

This is where I want to switch up my posts a little. I have been getting a feel for everything up until this point but no more of the 'current issues' junk. Okay, so maybe I'll feel overly compelled at some point down but I really want to focus on something much more relevant and significant. Learning to be a husband.

I lightly dabbled in the thought for a short time about putting my emotions down on paper about how to cope as a husband with miscarriage. I suppose this will be my journal to track my thoughts. I certainly do not have any definitive answers but if I can open my thoughts to others in a similar situation, maybe I can bring peace to those who have walked our path.

I have turned my attention to this today as I sit here two years removed from losing our first baby boy 20 weeks into our pregnancy. I have so many thoughts on a day like today. I have so much to say and to think about. My mind drifts but my heart remains steadfast...on my wife. Just like that surreal day when we were cooking chili and Tiffany began to panic.

She didn't know what was happening but she knew it wasn't good. That very moment marks the point in my life where I felt most useless in my time on earth. I am supposed to shield my wife from all things negative but there I was more helpless than I ever could have imagined. But here's the thing, I couldn't be helpless. Not now. This moment wasn't about me. This was about Tiffany…me upholding my obligation to her as a husband, and what I could do in that very moment to make the best of what we faced. It may sound strange, how can I make best of her literally giving birth several months too soon? But it was very clear to me what I had to more than ever; remain constant, resolved, and open. She needed me and it wasn't time for me to worry about anything but making the most of our misfortune.

We spent the next 18 hours going through pain that I didn't even know existed. I had not even thought it to be a possibility. Even with all of the scares we had up until that point, I think I blocked the possibility from my mind. But that night defined us as a couple. We made all of the right calls given the situation. We grew closer in 18 hours than we had in the previous 8 years of knowing one another. She became my hero that night and gave me strength to become an even better man and husband. We faced a mountain ahead that we had not trained for but for that one night, we were parents and I was prouder than ever to be her husband.

Our basement project

So, long about a year ago, we decided to tackle our basement remodel by ourselves. I must say it has taken longer than I would like but I wouldn't have it any other way. We initially were going to hire out someone to do it for us but circumstances changed and we opted to jump in head first. What a mistake it would have been for us to throw money at someone else. Aside from the pure profitability standpoint when we eventually move on to our next home, I have a real complex with others doing something I think I can do myself...and I stress “I think”.

At times, I have procrastinated with certain tasks as I am a little uncertain of my abilities. I try to do my best to exude nothing but confidence and certainty but deep down I know why I delay. The more I delve in, the more I realize my trepidation is merely a mental block that I need to ignore. So what if I make a mistake? My $100 mistake is much cheaper in the end than hiring someone else to do it for me. I learn, I grow, and I gain more confidence in trying it myself. I had a wonderful instructor in my father for many years so I simply need to concentrate, take my time, and rely on my learning’s to get me through certain projects.

I am quite proud of far I have come in my endeavor. The old has been torn out (thanks to my kid brother), the new walls are standing strong, and the drywall is being erected much smoother than I anticipated. The end is near and I will find great pride in eventually sitting down there on my conference calls and processing the never ending administrative paperwork that is enviable with any sales position. I look forward to presenting you with the finished product that I will be able to look out on and see my father's pride gleaming from the walls around me. “I think” has slowly become “I can” and I owe it all to my mentor. Thanks again Dad, I should have said it more often.

Neighbors

What I have learned thus far as a semi-professional blogger...don't post about fringe whack jobs like my previous post unless you are ready for an onslaught of messages from people crazy about the topic. I can't tell you how glad I am that I enabled the function that allows you to view and approve replies before allowing them to the site. I was called just about every name in the book even though I did nothing to advocate the Scientology people. I just want a simply Saturday without the blocked streets and weird masks, that was all.

So, moving forward from my learning’s...

It sure is great to have a fun group of neighbors. If you haven't reached out to those on your street or on the next block, I urge you to reach out as you don't know what you may be missing. We have been blessed in all of our homes to have remarkable people around us. This home is no different. I had the pleasure of joining two couples from down the street out at a few bars on Saturday while the wife was out of town. Nothing facing, just a few drinks, several laughs, and many embellished stories from yesteryear. We all come from different backgrounds, upbringings, and zip codes but one thing is for sure...we all can appreciate a nice night out with great people learning from those around us. I will never undervalue the friendships we have formed with those who have lived near us and I can only hope we leave an enduring memory with them even when we pack up and move on to our next journey in life. Here's to those around us for making us better people for having known them.

Setting the table

So I started this blog thing and quickly let it become a distant thought. What do I write about? Would anyone care to listen to me pontificate? Well you know what? 2009 may be when I finally have reason to articulate thought more frequently. Not a resolution, as I am not big on resolutions...simply just a renewed desire to put 'pen to paper'. So here I go...

Why is it we take new year's to 'turn over a new leaf'? Why does a superficial date give us reason to wipe the slate clean and start a new beginning? I think it is simple. While time is all relative, a new year signifies change for those looking for a new beginning. So really it is an excuse to look at something with renewed hope. I am all for looking for something better and brighter so don't get me wrong in my questioning. I have no problem with looking for the positive. I simply think that we have to remember that while times may have been longer or darker last year, you grow stronger for your experiences so you shouldn't simply discard those events but instead find the resolve you need to grow from your difficult experiences and use it to propel you to better things in the days, weeks, and years ahead.

So here is to you finding growth from your prior year.

Where do I begin?

One of the first things I like to do when I return from a long week on the road is reference my wife's message to the world for the moment. Why not begin to dabble myself? I am not entirely sure I will maintain a constant message but I will surely find myself pontificating my thoughts, views, and ideology regardless of viewer ship. Where do I go with this? Only time will tell...