Where's my checklist?

So it is no longer Cocoa Bean. It is unofficially Cocoa Kicker. We have cleared yet another hurdle as we approach 22 weeks and the clinical definition of cervical incompetence is about to pass. We are officially in the panic mode of preparation for arrival. Cocoa is very active and while our third child, my first experience to actually touch my wife's belly and to feel that kick that we've needed to feel for too long.

Previously, we spent 20 weeks getting ready for everything psychologically. How will schedules change, what will we do with the rooms in our house, what will be our next phase in our lives as our Cocoa enters the world. It all came crashing down two times before so now that we have passed that big stage, we now are on fast forward. We can no longer and sit back and hold our collective breath as we have done for the last five months, we now need to cram 40 weeks of preparation into four short months.

I still think a lot out our two boys. I also reflect on many people that have shared similar voyages. How do our friends in Florida feel as they are about 16 months behind us in our journey? Are they holding strong despite their upbeat outward disposition? What about my great childhood friend that was on the verge of twins only to face a loss two times over? How do they cope with two already running wild and their next attempt on the way? I find condolence in knowing many have done it before us and many more are well on their way of also realizing their dream.

While we may not have all of the appropriate equipment prepared...poop stations, barf cleanup kits, and all of the other unexpected things that I am sure we will soon need, I am confident that we are prepared. We have been ready for this for almost three years now so our extended impediment will only make us more capable, prepared, and understanding as people and more importantly as parents.


That being said, is there a Cliff Notes for what to do when Cocoa actually gets here pertaining to the formerly referenced poop, vomit, and crying?

Sharing our excitement

One thing we never wanted to forget in our losses is that others have experienced pain and loss along with us. Many people either avoid the topic because frankly it is uncomfortable or they are more self consumed and simply don't think about our journey. Either way, don't most of us do that with many things anyway?

But then comes our parents. It is sometimes difficult for me to gauge the pain they have felt. I know it is there. Is it more pain because they see their children reeling or is it pain because they too have been deprived of one of life’s greatest exercises - being grandparents? I would assume it is a little of both but in an attempt to involve them in the process, we are taking a little different approach with Cocoa Bean.

As my previous posts indicate, I feel marriages are sacred on many levels. For that reason, we tend to keep many things to ourselves. But we have felt this pregnancy to be more important to engage our parents. While we have made the life choice to live far from them, we have already made things a little more difficult on them so the least we can do is give them experiences that they wouldn't alternatively have. One is joining us in our journey, albeit in a simple way.

We had my mother come to town this week to experience our ultrasound. What a great experience it was. With this being about our 6th or so, the glee has somewhat faded when we see that little one come up on the screen but you could feel the anticipation and exhilaration gleaming from my mom. Not that I don't still feel pride and joy in seeing the ultrasound but that feeling up my spine isn't the same each time I see Cocoa ticked off that some lady is pushing on their sack of serenity. However, I could completely feel my mom's wonder pouring throughout the room. She deserves that feeling and why not give it to her now instead of waiting until October when Cocoa makes his/her grand appearance. It gives her the ability to connect on another level with everything which is both deserved and long overdue.

We look forward to giving that same feeling and experience to Tiffany's parents in the coming weeks. There's nothing else like it and I can't wait for them to feel that same overwhelming excitement that we only wish they could have had long before.

There are some perks to the journey

As I attempt to write this 9 fingered (try it, harder than you would think) I think I finally need to say something upbeat. When Tiff and I talked about this originally, we talked about chronicling thoughts and feelings regardless of the delivery. I thought I would be able to mix in some minor humor along the way but as I got about 14 weeks into this I realized there's just not much fun to trying to see a pregnancy like this through.

It's difficult to keep your sprits up, plain and simple. No way to sugar coat it. I give my normal demeanor on the exterior but on the inside, I still hold back the feels to guard against the worst. It's only natural but my ultimate intention is to give you my inner thoughts not my outside view that others see. So sorry for Debbie Downer so often.

Okay, on to the bright side. Family members, you may want to look away for this part. But here it goes. My wife’s boobs are AWESOME. Even in some of the trepidation, I still relish in those fun moments like seeing that dress pop from her beautiful figure. While painful, itchy, and constantly soar for her, they bring me great visual pleasure. What can else can I say?

Back to the nine fingers...talk about being all over the place. I have this nasty growth thing that they burnt off and the doc has me wearing duct tape at night over it so it can't breathe. Talk about nasty. Don't forget to wash your hands next time you shake someone's hand at a cocktail party! Boobs...finger abnormalities...you get it all at this blog stop.

The best lesson in life

So all of us folks married in the last 15 years or so have done it. The good old six week course with the minister to inform you about all things marriage. Given my inability to sit through classes and now meetings, our course was nothing more than a painful duty that I had to complete. How was some guy that barely knew us going to enlighten us and provide a foundation for our marriage for the next 50 years?

Low and behold, he said something to us that I think constantly. In a round about way, he said you two will be together for all of life. Children will come and go but maintaining a healthy relationship will help you endure all things thrown at you long after your children have come and gone. His story involved couples that become so deeply involved with their children, that 18 years after that first child has come and departed the nest, some couples look at each other unsure of who they married and how they need to interact after they are left along once again.

I think about this a lot, especially with our losses. Sometimes I think it is just luck or maybe fate but somehow I was joined with Tiffany for a reason. A reason that was beyond my control and was pure destiny. We have an ability to grown with each lesson life has presented us and we are actually a stronger, more capable duo than ever before. I draw on that lesson he (can you believe I actually have no idea what his name was even though he is the legal link between us) gave to us.

Long after Cocoa Been has come and gone, I will have an unbreakable bond with my wife. All the joy that we will find with our new gift will only be a building block for the most important bond of all, our relationship.

Ready or not...

Holy smokes! We have a baby coming!

That was the feeling as we walked out of MoBap (Missouri Baptist Hospital for you non-locals) earlier this week. We are right in the middle of the 'red flag' stage but the doctor has already moved passed that and onto the next step in this journey. There have been no changes to Tiff's cervix to this point so he doesn't expect there to be any significant worries in the coming weeks. He has progressed to the next areas of concerns for someone in her condition such as elevated risks for preterm labor and other symptoms that are common in her condition. All something we need to be aware of and ready to react to, but most are typical pregnancy risks even though her risks are elevated slightly versus the traditional pregnancy.

I really find commonality in a lot of what the doctor says. He will say things like, "10% of pregnancies experience concerns with elevated preterm labor but your risk is 22%". Delivering that to an analytical mind, I can fully relate to his message. Calculated, predictable, and simple in delivery. I only wish I could communicate with my customers like he communicates with us. Things would be much easier.

We both are on a teetering point now. We are ready to fully embrace what is about to happen but guarded so not to not allow ourselves to be set up for emotional letdown. We really want to commit emotionally but still find ourselves prepared should the conditions change. I expect that to change in the next month or so but for now, we are still counting each week as if each were a milestone and that month of July will become a steam engine barreling down the track to our dream destination.

Road warrior

Who is the most fortunate guy in the world? Okay, others may have a good case but I am certainly in the running. I work for the greatest company in the world. I bring sweet moments of happiness to the world everyday. How many people can say that? On top of working in a job that I wake up excited for each and every day, I completely and undeniably over-married. I should have never landed the wife I did. She is so out of my league but for some strange reason, she decided I was the one. I have a wonderful group of friends that I would do anything for and I think they reciprocate those feelings.

All of that being said, man I hate weeks like this. I am in Florida this week for our national meeting. I know, I know, though life. Great food, reconnecting with colleagues, and even getting time to see friends from college. But I can't even explain how tough it is to be away from my bride. I miss her dearly and can't wait to be back to help her with laundry or any other household duties that my arise. Even though I spend 2-3 nights per week on the road, these weeks are different. 7 AM start times and ending around 9 PM after dinners and such so it makes it tough to get my daily updates on how she is feeling or what she did for lunch.

I can't wait for my return home and to rub that beautiful belly!

Loyalty or Personality?

What I am about to describe may be you and if it is, only you can fully appreciate what I am about to say. Did you find your mother or father terrible aggravating as a youngster? For me it was my dad. He was always 'up in my grill' about helping change the oil, helping with something in the yard, or some other job that I was entirely too busy for at the age of 12. What has happened some 20 years later? I find myself a very similar to him in many ways. What I found incredibly annoying, I know am in flesh and blood.

One attribute I have found that I absorbed from him was his ability to feel people. I do this, right or wrong, with everyone I encounter. I quickly size them up and decide how close I will allow them into my life. Some are just good people to have a drink with, others are people you would trust with anything, and there are some you keep at bay...only have them near when you must.

Where am I going with this? I have difficulty at times distinguishing qualities through in my judgment. I often cast off people for not exhibiting common ideals or beliefs but times like now, I need to be slower to analyze the situation. We have received many great thoughts and actions by those around us the last few months. Ice cream runs, dinner after surgeries, or a simple phone call to see how things are progressing. Where I need to let my guard down are those who seem to forget what we have been through. There are folks out there that simply have not seen true pain in their lives and simply cannot relate and there are those out there that just forget what we have been through.

This pregnancy can be cast off as a forgone conclusion by some even though they don't realize how we are taking a step, looking around guardedly, and then slowly moving our next foot so not to disrupt anything. I often want to jump on people and say, "Listen, don't you get it? This is our last try at this! Work with our cautiousness and aide us in our journey." But simply stated, many people often see what is only in front of their face and I have to appreciate and accept that. Not everyone knows the pain we still feel two times over even though the glow my be flowing from the outside.

17 and counting

Fours months have passed in what seems like an eternity at this point. I say that but it has also progressed quickly in some ways. It feels like a long time between ultrasounds, even at every two weeks, but it was just like it was yesterday that we were anxious for the test to say pregnant.

Starting at this point is when we both will have some added apprehension. We are at the clinical definition of when women have incompetent cervix complications. 17 - 22 weeks is the time frame in which those with the diagnosis begin to dilate. For that reason, all of the doctor’s visits each week will come with a new sense of angst. We will see the doctors each week now through the end of June which is really a welcomed relief. As our doctor told us in our last visit, they have applied 'full court press' so we can only move forward with each cautious step with the confidence that this will finally be the one.

We have done everything possible so now only time will tell if we will finally realize our dream. I am left feeling unsure how to process each day. I will welcome July in a way I have never before. June is a wonderful month but I truly wish we could fast forward to the point in which when we can let out that proverbial sigh of relief. While many obstacles will face us in July and beyond, I look forward to the day when we can finally celebrate this event and look forward to the new chapter in our life together.

Along came Tiffany

Sitting in my hotel room on a sleepless evening and came across the movie that best describes Tiffany and I when we meet..."Along came Polly". The overly cautious guy and the free spirited girl. He's awkward and deliberate, she's open and experiencing everything life has to offer. Ultimately, we know the ending. They end up becoming a little like the other and realize that their differences are what makes them interested and compelled by the one another.

I don't know yet what that means for Cocoa Bean but I think it is good. I think it means that we will give two great examples of how life can be lived to the fullest in two totally different ways. All I know for sure is that regardless of he or she being a sports loving, number cruncher or an open minded, art enthusiast, Cocoa is going to bring us a joy that we have never experienced before.

15 weeks down...about 5 months to go.

This one is different

Those who experience 'high risk' pregnancies are fortune in one way...lots of ultrasounds! There is a feeling unlike any other when you can look into that screen and see your baby right in front of your eyes kicking around and that little heart is puttering away.

We are in that third phase now (one was 13 weeks of worry and two was our cerclage). We have a new reassurance with the cerclage and our successful outcome rate as risen to 88% which is much better than before but we are still counting down for weeks 18...19...and 20 to arrive. That is when we will hopefully pass the incompetent cervix barrier phase and move into the honeymoon part of the pregnancy.

I have to say that I am really feeling good the last 10 days. I have thought about it lately and I attribute it to two reasons. One is that Tiffany has a new aura around her. She has a little more skip in her step and the hesitation is at least muted if not gone for the most part. We feed off each other and knowing that she has a renewed sense of relaxation with everything has really calmed my nerves. Second is simple but somewhat unexplainable. This just feels different. In this phase, I am starting to actually see us in November holding our newborn and moving forward with our life. What has felt like a pause over the last two years seems like life is actually on play again and about to move into fast forward. It has been tough at times watching the world move quickly around you but I really have a feeling deep down that we are about to jump on life's treadmill once again.

We will see out doctor now once every two weeks now which is even more comforting. We get to see those little changes in our little Cocoa Bean which is exciting and humbling at the same time. Tiffany is glowing once again and is as beautiful as ever. God willing, we are 1/3 of the way there and I couldn't be more excited.

Newfound admiration

Has it really been almost a month since I posted? Not a great way to garner an audience I suppose but that really has never been my intent or focus. Truthfully, I started this to try to chronicle my thoughts about the pregnancy. Really for our purposes down the line and it would merely be a bonus if I was able to provide another husband a confirmative message that he's not alone in his worries.

What has happened in three weeks? Tiffany had her cerclage last Friday for starters. I must say, I tried to write about it several times last week but kept hitting cancel at the last minute. I had far too much negative energy for some reason. I was in our home office with the leaders in my division all week which always adds to my energy level but then the whole swine flu thing broke. I live on airlines and that seemed to be a target for concern for obvious reasons. Throw in the fact that our lives were about to be altered in a way unlike many others and I had anxiety to the 10th degree.

The positive news is that the surgery went perfectly and the formerly mention virus caused my conference this week to be cancelled which allowed me to stay home with my love. The doctor was very happy with everything and Tiffany was a champion as always.

The worst thing for me in this whole journey has been the actual physical pain she has had to endure. I wish I could be the one that needed something done so that she did not have to experience all of these procedures. That being said, she has handled it as well as anyone could ever expect and it has given me yet another layer of respect that I never thought possible.

Right when I think she has maxed out my admiration for her, she goes and faces the next impediment head on and conquers it like she has been placed on earth to overcome the very challenge that has been presented to her. I would have never questioned her if she had said she had been through enough after the first or second setback but her perseverance gives me strength to be an ever greater husband tomorrow than I am today. I will never do enough for her to repay her for all she has done and I am just eternally grateful for the inspiration she has brought to me in my life.

"The Pregnancy"

So I just found out that I am doing something bad during this pregnancy. The bad action is in that first sentence. Do you see it? Funny, I didn’t either until Tiffany just pointed it out. I have been calling everything up to this point ‘the pregnancy’. I am not associating myself to the baby at this point. We are almost three months into this and I still am instinctively distancing myself from the hurt that came with the last two.

That is one of the toughest things with miscarriage. The mother becomes one with the baby. She has life inside her and feels everything. The mood change, the hunger, fatigue…but the man has to allow everything to come to him. In the first pregnancy, you are attached from the second the test says “Pregnant”. With each loss, it is only natural for the man to unconsciously distance himself from everything.

I don’t think it is wrong to place that barrier between you and the baby, but you just need to understand it, embrace it, and ensure your wife knows that you are more committed to her than ever before. Inevitably, you will grow closer to the baby as those critical months pass and the worry transforms into elation. While I need time to accept everything with ‘the pregnancy’, my passion and commitment to her is unwavering. It is simply my job to ensure she knows that it is not her that I am keeping at arms length, it is my emotions that I am simply trying to keep in check.

Do I sound bitter?

One of the most difficult things about living in a ‘high risk’ pregnancy is that you almost feel as if you are living a double life. All you think about is your wife. Is she okay today? Are those pains ‘normal’? When is our next appointment and what will they say? At the same time, you have to live your traditional life. You still have to remain steadfast at work and with your family and friends.

Pregnancy world and regular world move at two totally different speeds, and that is very difficult to get used to. No matter your situation, if you have lost four pregnancies before 10 weeks or two before 20 weeks, that 10 or 20 week hurdle moves slower with each loss. You live your life in slow motion and you know it is only you are your wife turning the pages each day on your calendar but at the same time you are strapped to the front of a 737 in your regular life and you just hope that a big goose isn’t flying your way.

One of the worst parts of the double life is that you often get news that crosses the two universes. It is great when your neighbor or best friend is also pregnant but what about that person that does not ‘deserve’ it. You know who I am talking about. That person that has no job and their only contribution to society is pushing carbon dioxide out of their lungs for plants to sustain life. You find out that they are expecting. How do I say this eloquently…it sucks.

You feel you have positioned yourself so well to be well balanced parents. You have read all of the books, you have prepared your 521 and 401k, and you have reached full maturity as an adult. Conversely, your counterpart has no idea how to parent and is often working on a multiple botched relationship in which they bring life into the picture. I really want to feel no ill will towards anyone. I really do hope for the best for anyone and everyone but it just stings a little more than normal when you realize they are able to do something you are not. You want it, they end up with it. You just have to realize that it is another one of life’s mysteries that you must appreciate and move on from (but it still sucks).

On the bright side, Tiffany is at week 11. No really worries at this point. Surgery is in two weeks and the real worrying beings in about 6 weeks. Hopefully God, fate, advanced medicine, and a little luck will be on our side this time around. How else can you look at it?

Keeping focus on everything - including yourself

So very selfishly, my first major life change has occurred with our pregnancy. As stated previously, I typically find it my fundamental task to ensure Tiffany’s happiness and wellbeing over the next few months. That being said, it is critical for a husband and expecting father to find releases and motivation for himself. I have really found mine in running.

What? If you know me, you would think, “Seriously, the guy is a runner like Michael Scott is a leader”. But I have really found something to drive me.

I am motivated and pushed by one person in life, myself. If I am unable to find that thing to push me, then I often have difficulty finding the right inspiration. I want to be the best employee that has ever been in my position, I want to be a husband better than any other I know, and I have finally have found something to light my competitive fire when it comes to working out.

In high school, I think I savored the preparation for sport as much or more than the games itself. I found great pride in being stronger than I was yesterday and being better overall than last year. I pushed myself and that is what I have finally found with running.

Last year, I completed the Indianapolis Mini Marathon. This year I was actually training to run it. I had a real goal…2 hours and 15 minutes. When I started out, it was a real stretch. I did it in 2:38 last year so shaving some 90 seconds off per mile is somewhat of a reach but I have been extremely focused and dedicated in my approach this year. I have actually been on pace to knock my goal out of the park.

Then came the news on Monday. Great news…really it was. Tiffany is a great candidate for a surgery to help us ensure we have a full term pregnancy. The best news I could have received. But I must say I was very selfishly disappointed as it is the day before the mini and there is no possible way for me to make the race. Come on, I would not even consider missing this for a simple race. I can run in hundreds of races per year, but this procedure is literally life changing.

I think the worst part was I saw the disappointment in Tiffany. She knows me and she knew how important this was for me. But the great news is I will get the best of both worlds. Hopefully a happy, healthy wife, and also to run my 2:15. There is a race in September near our house that I can now refocus on and I should likely consider readjusting my personal goal. I now have more time to prepare so is 2:10 out of the question?

I think in reflecting on the situation, to know that you must be there for your wife first and foremost but you also need that thing that drives you. Laundry, Starbucks runs, and overall caring for your wife is number one but you can’t forget to lose focus on yourself. Your wife will be nothing if you fall apart.

Fearing my phone...

How fortunate am I? I am in a job I absolutely love. I don’t ever wake up dreading the day or feel as if I can be doing something else more fulfilling. I get to see and experience places I never thought imaginable. San Francisco, Salt Lake City, and Minneapolis among others and while in those cities I have seen LeBron play against the Nuggets, the Oakland A’s play at their home park of the Oakland Coliseum, and even took in a college football game at the Air Force Academy. When Tiffany and I met, none of this was even in my thoughts or dreams. We have been more fortunate in the last few years to see and experience things many don’t experience in a lifetime.

I would give it all up in a heartbeat though not to go through the terrible feeling each time my phone rings with Tiffany’s name on the caller ID. Don’t get me wrong, my long weeks on the road would not be bearable if I couldn’t talk with her and get updates about how Parker made her laugh that day. But my angst right now is that I am not going to be by her side if something goes wrong.

Without even being conscious of it at the time, when we met (or she found me as she likes to point out), I was drawn to her for her resolve and vigor. She does not NEED me, nor has she ever and that is what I respect most about her. But the call I received last June while in Denver, that something had gone wrong…that call still makes me sick inside even today to recall how helpless I felt. I was not there to hold her and tell her things would be okay. I would not have changed the outcome but I would have felt better knowing that I was there to do the one and only thing I can do as a husband, stand by her side.

So the next several months will be spent with me taking my phone with me to the bathroom, into meetings, and anywhere else necessary. I long for the day that my anxiety turns to eagerness. While optimism is a quality I fully embrace, it has been difficult to draw on in these first few months. But I can, and must keep my thoughts on my original point…that I have a wonderfully strong wife that is more than capable of handling anything thrown her way.

One more try

I purposely started my blogging experience when I did for a reason. I knew this day was imminent, the day I can proudly say that we are once again pregnant. In my best effort, I will attempt to articulate my feelings as the pregnancy progresses. What does a husband think and feel as he embarks on nine months unlike any other?

I can say, after seven weeks, that this is will certainly be the longest nine months of my life. Do you remember what it was like as a child on December 1st? When you felt like Christmas would never arrive? Take that feeling and extrapolate that over roughly 36 weeks and here I sit.

I returned from one of my typical weeks on the road…one day too many as usual. I needed my wife’s touch and a good dinner with her to catch up face to face. We both knew it was time to ‘test’ when I got home and it didn’t take much negotiating to convenience her to give it a try. Let me tell you, when I looked down and read that magic word, I was overcome with a feeling of emancipation. In addition to the two miscarriages, we have also needed a little help conceiving, that in addition to two surgeries to correct a uterine abnormality. So the whole getting pregnant thing has been a story in its own. Give me a few glasses of wine and I can tell you a funny story about that experience. (Rated PG, I promise)

The next few weeks were strange for me. I had not prepared myself entirely for all of this. We had been so focused on the surgeries and the getting pregnant part that I had not done an adequate job preparing myself for what I would feel once the new journey began. I actually had a difficult time sleeping initially. Many bad dreams where I woke myself thinking something bad had happened. Fortunately, it only lasted about a week. I think I have simply come to peace with the experience.

I have many thoughts and emotions so I will do my best to express them as the calendar turns. Again, my only hope is that some husband in a similar situation can turn to this blog one day and can find peace in their feelings as they can know someone else has walked this path before them. And it all turns out well. Regardless of the outcome, I feel I have become a better husband and together we have become better people for what we have endured. I only hope others can find peace in their misfortunes and strength in their outcomes. I can end this quest with or without a child but my life long journey with my wife will be complete regardless of the end result. We have each other and ultimately, that is the greatest gift of all.

What can I say, someone struck a nerve this weekend...

After a miscarriage, you can prepare for many things that will come your way like the inevitable call from a close friend or relative saying they are pregnant. They often say they didn’t know how to tell you as if you would be bitter over their great news. Truthfully, I know Tiff and I have always had nothing but joy and happiness for those around us. How can you not? Everyone’s lives will not stop just because you feel like yours has been placed on pause. You simply feel regretful that others are not able to fully enjoy their news with you as they feel some form of remorse.

Things you aren't prepared for are the questions like, “Do you have kids”. Seems innocent enough but how do you answer that to a co-worker? What about when it gets worse and they have no social barometer…“No kids? Why?” So even after more prodding, sometimes you have to just make people feel bad just so you stop that shrinking feeling inside by really telling them why you don’t have kids at that very moment.

The worst for me is, “Oh…you don’t have kids? Let me tell you, you just don’t understand…your life is SO going to change when you do…your marriage is really going to change.” You know what? Take a hike, pal. The one thing I know Eli and Webber brought to our lives is renewed strength and unity. The losses we have endured have done nothing but strengthen our resolve and solidify the love we have for each other.

This will most certainly sound pretentious but what I want to say to some is, “Just because you have a marginal marriage, at best, before the birth of your child, the newborn only accentuated your weaknesses as a couple.” We have been through it all so I don’t need your ivory tower assessment to tell me how things will change. I get that the dinner dates will become fewer, the sleep will become more infrequent and alone time will become a foreign word, but there is one thing I am confident of…my admiration and devotion to Tiffany will remain steadfast and unwavering no matter what life throws at me.

It's now time to lead and provide strength for your partner...

In keeping with my miscarriage theme, I feel as if want to stay on this topic for a while. I don’t want to seem so pretentious to think I have any real answers but I hope that one day someone finds my posts and I can give them some form of reassurance…

I have found that I can either sulk or I can find reasons for growth in each of life’s road blocks that I encounter. To quote an overused term, “Life is too short”. But really, it is. The same can’t be said for one’s wife after a miscarriage. I found out quickly that there is nothing a husband can do to erase the pain she has with the loss. Not to minimize the sorrow a husband can and will have, but a man really can’t full appreciate what it is like to have life in you one second and it’s all gone the next.

I wanted to analyze everything after each loss. Had I let her push herself too much with work? Should I have pumped her gas a couple weeks back? What could I have possibly done to put her in this situation? The answer is simple…it is totally out of your control. It is not your fault and it absolutely has nothing to do with what your wife did or didn’t do. You must refocus your energy because there is nothing you can do to reverse everything. You must now stand up and do what you affirmed you would do in your marriage vows, be a husband.

Mainly, you must now be there to mentally help your wife recapture herself. You simply have to roll with the emotions and simply encourage your wife to the best of your abilities in that given moment and emotion. There will be times that she has tremendous pain and you can must simply let her know you are there. She will want to cry, sleep, or sulk and the only thing you can do is give her space to let her mend while reassuring her that you are there if needed. On any given day, Tiffany can be in a bad mood and a few jokes later I can have her all smiles but those weeks after a miscarriage where unlike anything I could have prepared for. You will not fix her pain, you can only help her overcome it.

Make life easier for her by cleaning her car, picking up dinner, or facing family or friends when she just isn’t up to it. Depending on the person, I would recommend her and potentially both of you going to a professional, joining a group, or even just finding a new hobby. It is more important that ever to be constant and you have to find a way to give her strength. Strength to know tomorrow will be better than yesterday and most importantly, the reassurance that your child will always be apart of both of you.

Others may forget what you went through but that child will represent growth, appreciation, and strength for you both in the years to come. I surely couldn’t have predicted it at the time, but our marriage now is truly better for what we have been through and our love is deeper than ever. Our respect for one another is greater than we could ever hoped. You will realize in due time that your wife is stronger than you think but she can’t do it alone.

Learning to be a husband

This is where I want to switch up my posts a little. I have been getting a feel for everything up until this point but no more of the 'current issues' junk. Okay, so maybe I'll feel overly compelled at some point down but I really want to focus on something much more relevant and significant. Learning to be a husband.

I lightly dabbled in the thought for a short time about putting my emotions down on paper about how to cope as a husband with miscarriage. I suppose this will be my journal to track my thoughts. I certainly do not have any definitive answers but if I can open my thoughts to others in a similar situation, maybe I can bring peace to those who have walked our path.

I have turned my attention to this today as I sit here two years removed from losing our first baby boy 20 weeks into our pregnancy. I have so many thoughts on a day like today. I have so much to say and to think about. My mind drifts but my heart remains steadfast...on my wife. Just like that surreal day when we were cooking chili and Tiffany began to panic.

She didn't know what was happening but she knew it wasn't good. That very moment marks the point in my life where I felt most useless in my time on earth. I am supposed to shield my wife from all things negative but there I was more helpless than I ever could have imagined. But here's the thing, I couldn't be helpless. Not now. This moment wasn't about me. This was about Tiffany…me upholding my obligation to her as a husband, and what I could do in that very moment to make the best of what we faced. It may sound strange, how can I make best of her literally giving birth several months too soon? But it was very clear to me what I had to more than ever; remain constant, resolved, and open. She needed me and it wasn't time for me to worry about anything but making the most of our misfortune.

We spent the next 18 hours going through pain that I didn't even know existed. I had not even thought it to be a possibility. Even with all of the scares we had up until that point, I think I blocked the possibility from my mind. But that night defined us as a couple. We made all of the right calls given the situation. We grew closer in 18 hours than we had in the previous 8 years of knowing one another. She became my hero that night and gave me strength to become an even better man and husband. We faced a mountain ahead that we had not trained for but for that one night, we were parents and I was prouder than ever to be her husband.

Our basement project

So, long about a year ago, we decided to tackle our basement remodel by ourselves. I must say it has taken longer than I would like but I wouldn't have it any other way. We initially were going to hire out someone to do it for us but circumstances changed and we opted to jump in head first. What a mistake it would have been for us to throw money at someone else. Aside from the pure profitability standpoint when we eventually move on to our next home, I have a real complex with others doing something I think I can do myself...and I stress “I think”.

At times, I have procrastinated with certain tasks as I am a little uncertain of my abilities. I try to do my best to exude nothing but confidence and certainty but deep down I know why I delay. The more I delve in, the more I realize my trepidation is merely a mental block that I need to ignore. So what if I make a mistake? My $100 mistake is much cheaper in the end than hiring someone else to do it for me. I learn, I grow, and I gain more confidence in trying it myself. I had a wonderful instructor in my father for many years so I simply need to concentrate, take my time, and rely on my learning’s to get me through certain projects.

I am quite proud of far I have come in my endeavor. The old has been torn out (thanks to my kid brother), the new walls are standing strong, and the drywall is being erected much smoother than I anticipated. The end is near and I will find great pride in eventually sitting down there on my conference calls and processing the never ending administrative paperwork that is enviable with any sales position. I look forward to presenting you with the finished product that I will be able to look out on and see my father's pride gleaming from the walls around me. “I think” has slowly become “I can” and I owe it all to my mentor. Thanks again Dad, I should have said it more often.